Tonight

Tonight at bedtime, New Fish hit her chin on the granite counter top and was crying pretty hard. I held her all during reading time and she ended up falling asleep. I sat on the couch for a good fourty-five minutes before transferring her to her bed, just enjoying what will undoubtedly be one of the last time one of my children falls asleep in my arms. The feeling of a heavy, sleepy child has been one of my favorite things about motherhood. I still getting plenty of snuggle time with both of the girls. We read together and watch movies and there is plenty of affection and I will continue to enjoy all of those moments of little heads on my shoulder. There is still something special about a sleepy baby or small child falling asleep comfortable in their mom's arms. So I sat there tonight, just enjoying the feeling and ignoring the big drool stain down the front of my t-shirt. Some of these things I wish I could keep with me forever. I mourn all of these tiny last times even though each new age continues to be so much fun. My kids are so much fun right now. They make me laugh as they continue to grow into these intense little people with so many little desires in their hearts and opinions of their own. The first time they draw a person is replaced by the first sweet legible note they write and first steps are replaced by first piano performances and I love it all.

Worms In A Princess Bucket

For some odd reason I never thought being a mother of two girls would mean that I would have to deal with worms on a regular basis.  They spent the day in fluffy dresses, running through the rain, splashing in puddles and gathering worms into a princess bucket.  I guess that pretty much describes their personalities right there.  The worms are more Red Fish's thing but there are mud splatters all over New Fish's outfit.  I guess my girls are more of a combination of the sugar spice and the snails and puppy dog tails.

Chores

I am finding it difficult to make time for the girls to do their chores.  Having a kid in school ALL DAY is rough.  I miss her terribly and I feel like she never has enough time to play so I struggle to get anything done after school.  Part of me knows that chores are important and that she has to learn responsibility so I keep fighting the battle and making chores a daily necessity.

Just a little list for the record keeping portion of my blog.

1.Cleaning rooms/making beds
2. Setting the table for dinner and clearing their own plate at every meal.
3. Putting their clean laundry away.
4. Practicing Piano
5. Cleaning the playroom
6. Picking up their bathroom
7. Feeding the dog
8. Speech practice (Red Fish)
9. Homework
10. Reading
11. Math workbooks (this does not happen every day.)

In The Morning

 Everybody climbs in bed with Mommy in the morning.

Mommy Date

Two Fish and I try to take turns taking the kids out one on one.  Tonight I get a mommy date with this kiddo.  She is such a fantastic girl.  We went out to eat and then met Two Fish and New Fish for ice cream.  I'm a lucky Mommy.

Gross

I owe my neighbors an apology after all of the screaming it required for me to catch this giant beetle for my girls.  Bug collecting is yet another thing I thought I would not have to do again after ninth grade biology.  The girls are planning a bug collection complete with pins and foam.  Gross.  This mammoth insect is currently under the microscope being examined.  He is half dead already, which is the only reason I was able to capture him.

Unexpectedly Perfect

If you happen to check this blog regularly you have noticed that it has been a sparse year for blogging.  I try to catch up every couple of months because it forces me to count my blessings, relive the highlights and catalog our family's history.  I've struggled to write much for the past year because it feels so false to catalog all of the wonderful day to day moments and ignore the darkness that seeps into life.  It feels impossible to ignore the heaviest of burdens that fall on all of us at times. 

It has been a rough year.  A year of deep and unrelenting grief. I have struggled to find a place for that grief inside of this very lovely life I live. Denying the time and space for grief only makes it grow.  It has been difficult to share my grief with anyone and there is a sense of guilt that comes from wanting to move on so badly.  It is difficult to carry the burden of missing people who don't exist to anyone but me.  My heart is so full of love for my family and so broken at the same time that it is disorienting and lonely.  I would have thought that I knew everything about the experience of having a miscarriage felt like before this.  I could not have been more wrong.  Separating the devastation of last year's loss with the cumulative weight of all of the others is impossible and ending our family building with such a catastrophic experience is defeating. The physical, emotional and spiritual trauma has been a lot to sort through and I am well aware that I have been far from my best self many times this year.   I'm figuring it out one day at a time.

Mother's Day was an interesting experience this year. We were going to be returning from an out of state wedding early in the morning on so that we could be home for the kids.  I almost wanted to skip mother's day because it felt like an obligation and it was going to be a crazy week.  I had a huge conference I was scrambled to get ready for and I was trying to concentrate on my kids and the normal Mom things.  I was maxed out on stress. Apparently this was the cue for an unexpectedly perfect Mother's Day.  

I got to come home and take a nap. Two Fish made dinner and my kids came home from church happy and excited to see us.  The girls decided to decorate the house with random holiday decorations because it isn't a holiday/party without decor.  Then they wanted to paint everyone's faces.  My parents came over for dinner and had their faces painted.  I got a new picnic basket from my kids and husband.  We had a relaxing dinner, my girls had all kinds of cards and pictures they had made for me.  The we spent the rest of the evening snuggling on the couch.  I felt so incredibly loved and lucky to be their Mom.  There is room for me here in this life.  There is room for me when I fall short of being the Mom I want to be.  There is room for me here when I am broken and room for me as I heal. This sacred space between the walls of our family home is big enough for all of the hurt and love and craziness of life. There is room.

Thoughts From The Tub

Thoughts from my six year old in the tub- "I wonder how I get my eyes to evolve to the sides of my head so I won't look like a predatory animal anymore. I don't think I want to eat meat anymore because I am nice to animals so I want my eyes on the side of my head like a prey animal. Maybe they are still in the front of my head because I'm an omnivore. Right Mom?" Um.... yes? "When the giant says- Fee Fie Fo Fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman, be he live or be he dead, I'll grind his bones to make my bread- Does that mean he is an omnivore too but just a really bad one?" Um...I think that makes him a cannibal?

How Moms Watch Movies

Winter Trees

 The girls made winter tree paintings over the course of a couple of days.  First they put pieces of masking tape across watercolor paper to mask the tree portions. Then they added branches in white crayon to resist the watercolor. Next, they used liquid watercolors in shades of blues and greens to paint the background and sprinkled it with salt for snow.

 When their paintings were dry they peeled off the tape and added some marker and watercolor details to the trees.  I love the way they turned out.  We need more art projects around here!  We haven't been quite as prolific this winter because there just never seem to be enough hours in the day and I'm trying hard to make sure they get time to just play.  Being a mother is always such a balance- are they getting enough stimulation? Are they overstimulated? Are they playing enough?  Are they being read to enough?  Am I making a balanced meal enough? Are they learning responsibility?  Are they getting enough sleep? What should I do about their educations? Are my bills paid?  Did I forget one of the 10,000 balls I have up in the air?  Did I shower today? These are just a few of the many things that seem to be flying through my head.

Red Fish

New Fish

Dollars and Cents

One of my goals for 2014 is to get a chore and allowance program. So far it is going really well.  The girls are pretty excited about their magnetic chore chart and they have been actually doing a lot of their chores without me even asking. Let's hope that it continues.  There have been a few bumps along the last few weeks and it is more work to help them do some household stuff than it is to do it myself but I keep telling myself it is worth it.  It isn't hard to convince myself that it is worth it because I see positive changes in my children already. 

The allowance process has been pretty exciting for the girls so far.  They get $1.00 a week paid in dimes.  We bought special boxes with three slots for tithing, savings and fun money.  They put one dime in the tithing, two dimes in savings and the rest in fun money.  They are really excited about the fun money and they want to buy the movie Frozen when it comes out on DVD.  They are obsessed with the movie Frozen right now.  It is going to take them quite awhile to earn enough money so hopefully they don't get burned out waiting for it.

Sassy, Sissy and Nixie

Red Fish's reading has taken a huge step forward recently and she has been especially excited about reading.  New Fish is thoroughly taking advantage of having an older sister who is willing to read her stories and when Thing 1 came over this week he was very happy to sit with his head on Red Fish's shoulder and listen to stories. Nothing beats a good story and a snuggle.

These three are over the moon in love with each other.  They love each other almost as much as I love them. Thing one follows them around calling them and copying their every move.  He calls them Sissy and Sassy and they call him Nixie.  The amount of laughter, fun and games that comes from the three of them is a source of joy in my life.

Over the summer when my kids were really begging for a younger sibling and we had discovered that things were not working out on that front, it hit both girls pretty hard.  When I told them that there was a good chance that Heavenly Father wasn't planning on sending any more babies to our family Red Fish got very serious.  She and New Fish came to a conclusion that still makes me cry because it is so darn sweet.  She told me: "Well if I can't be a big sister to any more babies then I'm just going to have to be a really good big cousin.  Heavenly Father will send more babies to our big family and I can be a really good example and take care of them." (Seriously can't even type that without crying.  These girls have such tender hearts) Red Fish and New Fish are totally smitten with their cousins, both the older cousins and the younger ones.  Their adoration seems to just grow endlessly and I feel lucky every time they get the chance to be around any of their cousins.

Playing bean bag games and singing songs with Thing 1.

More Snuggling

We do this a lot. It's the best.

Good Mom Day/Bad Mom Day

The last couple of days have not gone at all as planned.  Yesterday I planned to get several things done and didn't manage most of them.  Instead I spent hours reading to the kids (until I lost my voice) did glue-less collages with New Fish and Thing 1 after swimming lessons and picked Red Fish up from kindergarten.  Red Fish was dying to ride her new bike and Thing 1 really loves our old tricycle so we planned to be outside for a half hour before lunch.  That half hour turned into three hours with a picnic, bike rides, bubbles, painting, tag, friends and sunshine for three hours. I'm a sucker for nice weather and happy kids. It nearly killed us to go inside and take care of a few things. Everyone was happy for piano practicing, reading etc.  It was a good Mom day.

Today has not gone as planned either.  I couldn't go to a friends event that I was looking forward to.  I got a ton of design work done even though I have a terrible cold and can't talk but when I picked Red Fish up from school she burst into tears in the car.  I got my days mixed up and missed the assembly that was today (not tomorrow like I was thinking.)  She won a prize in an art competition for the school and gets to move on to the district level.  I am so proud of her I could burst.  I'm also devastated that I missed it. I wanted to be there so badly.  She is so excited that she won.  One of my friends got pictures for me so I will have to post those later. You would think I would know that tomorrow is the 13th since it is my birthday.  Can't even remember my own birthday.  Don't ask me how old I am.  I can't remember.  Bad Mom day.

On The Field Of Life

 Just a few pictures of the end of New Fish's first soccer season. She spent most of the time running around holding hands with her friend and having fun (which drove her coach crazy.)  It's all for fun and an attempt and explore what she likes.  I want my girls to play team sports but fear they might have inherited my lack of athletic skill.  (They did do pretty awesome at skiing last year and they are great swimmers.) I just really loved playing volleyball in high school (1A I would have had no shot in a bigger high school) and it was such a great experience for me in every way.  I never had a big interest in sports growing up and then suddenly desperately wanted to play volleyball and asked my Dad to buy me a ball so I could try out for a sport I didn't even understand. He spent hours hitting the ball to me in the backyard trying to draw out some tiny shred of ability.  I worked really hard to get on the team by my sophomore year and gained a lot from the experience over the four years of high school.  It was a character shaping experience for me.  It will never be one of my greatest talents but forever something I will be happy I did.

She liked being goalie or "Queen of the kingdom" as her little friend defined it.

I have spent a good deal of time debating how much time to put my kids in activities and still ensure that they get a rounded experience, get to try new things and seek out what they love while still making sure they get to be little kids and that they get to PLAY.  It is definitely a delicate balance and my girls really enjoy being involved in a lot of things but they need to just be kids.  I've also spent a lot of time lately thinking about how to make sure they both get to do their own thing and shine in their own little spotlights.  New Fish wants to do everything that Red Fish does and vice versa a lot of the time.  It's great and it's fun and I'm inclined to go with it most of the time but I also fear the competition it sometimes breeds between them.  I want them to feel like they are free to have unique talents.  New Fish has been reading up a storm lately and it has caused a bit of strife with Red Fish because she is worried New Fish will catch up with her at everything.  They are both very smart little girls and they are so close in age.  Red Fish gets to play piano already and a few other things but New Fish is always right on her heals and gets the benefit of watching Red Fish and learning from her.  I think we may need to try some separate activities and see how it goes but inevitably I will hear a lot of "it isn't fair!"  How do mothers try to be fair and address the individual needs of their kids and teach them to be friends and that it's okay to be unique and all of that?

Closing A Chapter And Moving On To The Next

I have all but abandoned this blog, which makes me sad because it has been such a great way of tracking the milestones in our family and staying in touch with friends. I did go back and add pictures of our summer for my future blog book. I just haven't known what to say in a long time.  It felt dishonest to just keep cataloging the pictures and say nothing of what has been going on in my head.  I wasn't sure I wanted to share or that it was even apropriate to do so on a public forum but I have decided that the experience has been too isolating and that maybe there are other people out there who can relate to what I've been through and who would like to know that they are not alone in their experience.  I've also felt incredibly guilty at the enormity of my grief when I am so keenly aware of the struggles those around me are experiencing on their journey through the thorny path.  I feel guitly that the last few months have been so hard when I know so many people going through things that sound harder. It feels wrong to be so upset by infertility and the pain it causes because I have already been blessed by two miracles.  I may regret this post and remove it.  I don't know.

I was taking fertility treatments, maintaining a very strict gluten free diet and trying all sorts of things in order to have a baby. I knew my chances weren't great and I thought I knew what I was facing if it didn't work out in the end.  I think I had almost convinced myself that my fertility issues weren't that big a deal and that I had dramatized them in my head. I didn't want to feel like I gave up when I feel so driven to bring another child into our family.  The adoption route was not working out and birth seemed like the easiest option.

When discussing the idea of when the soul enters the body with friends recently, one of them mentioned that some of the stem cell researchers she knows believe that at 18 days gestation there is a presence that can't be denied and they won't touch them after that.  I definitely believe that the soul enters the body fairly early on but I can't decide if the idea of the soul entering that early is a beautiful thought or completely horrifying in every way.  The idea of that many children waiting for me on the other side is crushing and comforting at the same time.

You would think that after so many miscarriages I would pretty much know the drill.  I would have thought that they would all begin to feel the same.  It isn't true. This late stage miscarriage and the agonizing weeks leading up to it threatened to push me off a cliff I had only peered over before.  The deep chasm of grief that comes from losing a child is something that I still have only hung onto the edge of.  I have spent a lot of time thinking about the people around me and their experiences. This loss was so tangible and potent that it really knocked me down.  It was a before and after event.  Like I blew a hole in everything I knew before.  My life feels like it will always be categorized into before and after.

I know what it feels like to be angry that the sun still comes up and that people still resume their normal day to day.  The world can't stop for everyone's grief or it would never turn again. I feel ungrateful for even wishing it would stop for a moment because I have a great life.

Time has a way of dulling pain and it has definitely healed many of my previous wounds but this one has left a scar that my life will have to grow around.  It already has begun to grow around it, which I guess is itself a kind of healing. Will I ever be the same?  Probably not, but I'm learning that is okay.

For the first few months I felt like parts of myself had come untethered.  Like I needed to run around and strap all the bits of my heart back down.  The moments in which I felt truly like myself were few and far between and I began tracking them.  Watching the expression on my kids faces at Mary Poppins.  Doing a puzzle with New Fish. Playing in the pool with my girls and nephew.  Now I am starting to feel more like myself.  Spending time drawing and painting with the girls, practicing piano and reading with Red Fish and trying to keep up with New Fish's new OBSESSION with learning to read.  I doubt they even realized what a disruption to our normal rhythm occurred this summer.  We had a very relaxed summer and that was probably good for all of us.  My greatest calling in life is definitely to be the mother of these two special little spirits.  I never stop thinking that.  Other areas of my life have been chaos but the mothering just continues every moment of every day.  I love that.

This week has reached a final climax.  We've been reliving 2007 around here. My Dad had another broken femur in a foreign country and had to be taken by air ambulance for surgery.  My grandmother had another fall and ended up in an ER again.  I lost babies.  And this time instead of my Mom having a hysterectomy (I guess she couldn't really do that again) I had one.  There is a kind of peace that comes with that in knowing that a chapter has closed and I need/get to move on.  I have spent the last week sleeping and feel like I could use another week of sleep.

There is a part of me that thinks that if we are going relive all of the nasty parts of 2007 can't we get a baby at the end of it like last time? 

Dr. Red Fish checking up on me.  She asked the surgeon for pictures of my organs and studied them afterwards.  She is our little scientist for sure.

Walking To School With Friends

Red Fish has been walking to school with her friends most days.  It is so funny to walk to school with a group of kindergarteners.  It is quite a walk and we have to leave an extra half hour early to give them time to stop and look at garter snakes and bugs and put bandaids on skinned knees.  Today they showed up to school with pockets full of rolly pollies.  There will probably be dead insects in the laundry.

In Love

Sometimes I just need to write down how over the moon in love with my family I am.  Brace for the saccharine sweetness of it all if you must.  Every night I sleep next to the love of my life.  I adore him.  He helps keep our little world spinning in so many ways.  I wake up to the cute face of one of my girls every morning.  They come in and say things like "Good morning Mommy.  I love you to the moon and back."  I get hugs and kisses all day long (interspersed by whining and pouting- let's be real here.)  Seriously lately there have been moments lately when I am just so overwhelmed by how much I love them that I can hardly breathe.  I grab them and kiss them and move on to the next thing but sometimes I wish I could freeze time.  Three and five are the best ages yet.  They are so innocent and hilarious and brilliant.  They still depend on me for so much and I love that.  They are growing and changing at lighting speed and I just don't want to forget how much I adore my family, right now in this moment.  I'm working on being better for them.  I want to be more present for them.  I want to be less stressed and make more time for happy.

Duso

A little while ago Red Fish brought "Duso" the dolphin home from preschool.  She had to take him on all of her adventures for a week and then write down what they did together.  I loved hearing what she thought about her week.

Duso came home from school with me.  I was the line leader.  We made lion manes.  First T came over after school.  We made collages with rainbow stuff and we made fishy glass windows.  We fingerpainted.  We colored.  We did science experiments with red, yellow and blue and mixed them to orange, purple and green.  We mixed them up from colors.  When T went home, S invited us over.  We played kingdom.  I was the queen and S and New Fish were honeys and A was the king.  We watched a movie.  I didn't want to go home so I cried. Then I got ready for soccer.  Tonight I went to my soccer game.  My uniform is turquoise.  It was cold. I wore a puffy, big coat.  I scored a goal and I was happy.

I went to speech in the morning.  Duso came with me.  It was good.  Mommy picked me up.  B's Mommy is coming over for visiting teaching.  I went to T's house.  We played dress up and the boys were zombies.  I went to piano lessons.  It was fun.  I passed off two songs.  Then we went to get slurpies.  We went home.  We had dinner and it was my favorite.  Mommy read me the rest of Mrs. Piggle Wiggle.  Duso loved it.

Duso came with me to school.  I wore a lion mane.  I played with J.  I got my face painted and my arm.  A clown came to school and she made a bunny.  She was a girl with purple hair.  I ate lunch.  I finished my math workbook and I get a prize.  I went to T's house to play princesses.  Mommy taught me to ride my bike without training wheels.  i rode all the way down the sidewalk.  My Daddy is going to be excited.  My Daddy took me and New Fish to the dollar store for prizes and I got a Carebear coloring book and crayons.  Daddy read me stories.

Baby Thing 1 came over.  We  played with Thing 1 and MeMine came over.  We played rescuers down under and I was a bald eagle and New Fish was a princess and Mommy and MeMine were the captains of the ship.  I made a cannon out of paper to shoot a net.  We went to soccer practice.  T and T were there.  T came home with us and we shot bubbles at the dog.  He jumped up and caught them.  After Daddy came home we went to dinner at Pei Wei.  It was fun.  I had a cookie at the end with a paper in it.

We did science experiments and learned about bodies.  We learned about lungs.  We had a bottle and a long thing (surgical tubing) and we filled the bottle up with air from our lungs.  We played math games and had a relay race.  Daddy helped me ride my bike.  It was cool.  I can ride it down the street by myself.  My butterfly came out of his cocoon.  We painted butterflies of paper and antenaes.  We still have butterflies that need to wake up.  My ants dig tunnels.  Sometimes I watch them but I like the butterflies.  It was fun to have ants and butterflies.

We baked brownies.  Mommy and my little sister named [New Fish.] We went to church.  Then we had dinner and A.J. and her whole family came over.  We played with her.  We had salad, grapes, tomatoes.  I ate all of the tomatoes.  We had apples, onions and carrot salad.  We had meat.  I wore my Rapunzel wedding dress nightgown to bed. 

We went to swimming lessons.  I got five punches on my swimming lesson card.  I'm five.  I learned my strokes.  We got ice cream cones and seeds to play.  Mommy practices piano with me.  Mommy and Daddy are nice.  We went on a pony ride at the farm and saw baby goats.

Sunday

Gotta love Sundays and peaceful trips to church. Today, my three year old inhaled her sacrament cup and was wildly thrashing for the sacrament tray so that she could cough it up into the tray. I was simultaneously trying to hold the tray out of her reach and retrieve the cup from her throat. It finally popped free with a dramatic spray of water. #mykidsaremorereventthanyourkids

Sunday baking