Pick Me Up

This year, I made a lot of goals.  I decided that life was about creating yourself, not finding yourself.  I just needed to work harder to create the life I want instead of feeling overwhelmed and out of control.  I wanted my mantra to be- just handle it.  If I didn't like the way things were working then I'd just change it.  I started working out, eating better, studying the scriptures more and just trying to handle things better.  I made more effective schedules for the girls and I and tried to manage my workflow better.  Some things like the freezer meals are really working for me and reducing my stress level.

It's February.  A gray nasty February with no snow.  Now that the winter blues and cabin fever have set in, I have hit a major slump again.  I don't want to work on any of my goals.  I'm feeling major mommy burnout.  I'm still doing all of the things I need to.  The girls have had plenty of reading, art, music and mommy time. They have had fun days at the children's museum, puppet shows, library days, dinosaur museum and aquarium trips.  We've been to swim lessons.  Their world is fine. Nothing is terrible.  I'm caught up on work.  The house has been in slight disarray but not spinning out of control.  I'm just not feeling it though.  I'm cranky, tired and not feeling like taking care of my responsibilities or changing anything.  I needed (and maybe still need) a reminder of why I'm trying to change things.  A reminder that things can be different.

  And then, yesterday a tender mercy of the Lord was sent my way via my two darling daughters.  When I got up in the morning, they were already playing together in the toy room, a lovely way to start the morning.  Then, they played for six hours straight.  Seriously.  No fighting.  No tattle telling.  No screaming or whining. No entertainment required.  I brought them snacks and lunch.  I helped them change outfits (about seventeen times.)  I sat in my room and worked on my computer in complete peace for six hours and listened to them sing, dance, giggle and play make believe.  It was amazing.  I caught up on tons of graphic design work.  I made important phone calls.  I felt like a different person at the end of the day.  They were perfectly happy.  I hated to break them up for New Fish's nap-time.  Red Fish had to tuck New Fish in bed in order for her to cooperate.  The toy room looks like an atomic bomb went off but it was totally worth it.  We took dinner over to my Mimi's and met Two Fish and had an indoor picnic. (I forgot to take my carmera.) It was the most peaceful day- a ray of sunshine into the gray of winter.  Sun and outdoor play will come again.  The changes I'm trying to make will be worth it.  I've just go to keep from burning out, it's just winter blues and cabin fever.

A few more peaceful days of happy little girls playing make believe and finding something fun to look forward to will get us through it! Now, who wants me to plan something fun to look forward to and get me through the rest of the winter?

Cub Scouts

In our church, we are given "callings".  It is interesting to have this opportunity to serve in positions I wouldn't dream I'd excel in or even necessarily want to do.  I can't say that I have always had the best attitude when I start out in a new service opportunity but I usually end up learning a lot.  I've never had to teach adults in church but I've had a lot of different opportunities to teach kids of a variety of ages and teenagers.  Right now I'm doing music with the young women.

In one of my last callings as a nursery leader (my second tour) I had a bit of a bad attitude.  I was tired of entertaining toddlers.  Our ward was trying to make nursery more than two hours of toys with a snack and a lesson.  We were encouraged to come up with projects for the kids.  The kids in the nursery are 18months-3years and I had Red Fish with me who was only a year old.  It completely stressed me out to come up with projects that could be done by a large group of toddlers dressed in their Sunday finery.  The interesting thing is that it really pushed me to think about art and little kids.  It was what initially got me into thinking up projects for Red Fish.  I'm sure I would have gotten into art with my kids on my own but being a nursery leader gave me a jump-start into thinking about how I wanted to deal with art and toddlers.

Two Fish and I were recently released from working with the cub scouts in our neighborhood.  We've had nine year old boys over for weekly activities for the last year and a half.  It has been a huge learning experience for me.  Everything I know about dealing with a group of little boys came from growing up with brothers.  I don't have any boys of my own or any kids that age.  I was never a scout,  obviously.  Two Fish has three brother and was a scout but claims to remember nothing.  Since Two Fish work outside our home much more than I do, it made sense that I planned most of the activities.

Cub scouts is an amazing program!  I'm so impressed with all of the learning opportunities it provides.  I learned a lot while preparing their lessons and activities. The biggest thing I learned was how to deal with boys. I learned how to get a large group of wild little boys to settle down and concentrate on an activity.  That was a huge feat for me.  I got to teach them about the ocean and fish and some of my other passions.  We did art projects and built bird houses.  We passed over dozens of goals. For the most part, I really enjoyed my time with them!

In the last few weeks we had several guests come speak.  We talked about science, food, marketing and communication.  Then last week we cooked salt dough and made dinosaurs and habitats.  It was a lot of fun.  I think I am going to miss scouts.

Red Fish's island, cave and dinosaur.

The best part was that my little girls adored the cub scouts.  The boys were very kind to them and really let them be a part of the group.  The girls are devastated that "our cub scouts" won't be coming around anymore.  

Valentines Day

 Red Fish had a Valentines party at school.  She came home with a bag of treats and a crown.  She is always so sweet about sharing with her little sister.  I love it.  We decided to make and decorate sugar cookies even though Red Fish had already done it at school.  New Fish did most of her decorating with her tongue.

 We delivered Valentines around the neighborhood to all of their little friends.  It took us two hours of walking the dog door to door to deliver them all.  The girls LOVED it. 

 After Two Fish got home from work, we dropped the girls off for a "date" with their grandma and cousins.  They decorated cookies again- lucky girls.  Two Fish took me to a Valentines day dinner and dance to hear the same band that played at our wedding.  It was a blast.  We are terrible dancers but once we just embrace that fact we dance our hearts out anyway!

Unfortunately this was the only picture we got of the two of us.  Nice and blurry.  I loved being with the love of my life for Valentines!

The Sounds Of The Sea

According to New Fish-
The sea horse says: "Honey honey."
The turtle says: "Snap snap"
The octapus says: "Swish swish"
The crab says: "Pinchy pinchy"
The fish says: "[kissing noises]"
The jelly fish says: "slimy slimy"
The urchin says:"pokey pokey sink sink"
The whale says: "Ahhh-wooooo"
The dolphin says: "Chirp"

Love Dinner

We had our annual Valentines- family love dinner tonight.  The girls attended in their pajamas so we could make sure that they still made it in bed on time.  It was a school night.  The girls helped me decorate and set the table and Red Fish helped bake a cake.  We had ribs and mashed potatoes and a salad with plenty of berries in it.  The girls really love berries of all kinds.  Fancy drinks are always a party requirement.  We even had a little candlelight.  We talked about how special and important it is that we are a family and that we love each other.  It is always fun sharing this holiday with my three Valentines!

So Cute I can Hardly Stand It!

Preparing The Valentines

 I think New Fish may have found her Valentine.  My girls LOVE our good friend's baby C.

The girls have been busily creating their Valentine creations.  We cut hearts out and painted them over several days and then they have been gluing them together today.  We need projects with multiple steps so they take longer.

WIndow Hearts

We made stained glass hearts last week using this method and then cutting them into a heart shape.  I'm all about limiting the mess while we are trapped inside.  Our front windows are completely plastered in Valentines day creations.

Love At First Sight- Again

For love stories 1 & 2 see my previous posts.

The short version of our family love story would be-

One Fish met Two Fish and they were best friends.  They fell in love and became a family.  They knew there were kids coming but they never knew when or where or how.  They met Red Fish through the help of angels and it was love at first sight.  They all fell in love and became a family.  Then 22 months later, New Fish was born and it was love at first sight all over again.  We all fell in love and became a family again.  Everyday we love each other a little bit more and it never ends.

That short version can't encompass the details but neither can the long version.

There is something about the way my girls smile at me that melts my heart on a daily basis.  I wonder how they got so cute. I wonder about how I got so lucky. I wonder why I am so blessed to be their Mom.  My girls arrived in different ways but that moment of holding them for the first time was the same.  That first moment of recognition was exactly the same for both children.  That first few days of total wonderment of examining their feet and studying their little face was the same. It didn't matter if we started in a hotel room or a hospital room.  Those feelings of complete awe were the same.  Waking up every day to be with them is a joy.  Even when I get major Mommy burn out, there is something about their earnest little faces that turns it all around and totally melts me. 

I counted down the days to Red Fish's first birthday so that we could start our adoption paper work over.  I was feeling that familiar pressure that another baby was headed our direction.  The adoption paperwork process is a lot of work.  It takes organization and appointments and hours to fill out questionaires and pages of your most personal information. You have interviews about the state of your marriage, a home check to see the state of your house, financial checks, background checks etc.  I barreled through like a woman on a mission and I handed over our check.  My baby was coming.  This was the way to get babies into our family.  We were approved in December of 2008.

Of course, Heavenly Father has a sense of humor and just when I thought I had the plan figured out- he reminded me that I am not the one in control.

Two Fish's whole family had a slumber party at our house for New Years Eve .  I spent the night on the bathroom floor sick as a dog.  That was when I realized I was probably pregnant. This would be pregnancy number seven for me. I bought a home pregnancy test out of habbit, not because I actually expected it to work.  Usually, I had to go to the doctor for a blood test.  When the test was positive I was more than a little shocked.  That should have been my first clue that things were different for once. 

I was afraid to dig out my pregnancy books because there are too many bad associations with them. I had packed them up too many times. Every little cramp or weird feeling sent me to the verge of panic.  I was a total mess. It didn't feel real at all.

The first time I heard New Fish's heartbeat I actually screamed.  It was my first baby heartbeat.  I scared the ultrasound tech to death.  Every single week they would struggle to find her on the doppler and I would always end up with an ultrasound and I would sob when they found the heartbeat.

I started going in for ultrasounds every other week and I had to give myself twice daily injections of heparin.  The first time I had to stick myself I cried and cried.  My Dad called and said that if I couldn't do it in the next five minutes he would come over and do it.  That inspired me to do it because I was afraid of having someone else do it.  Eventually, it wasn't a big deal at all. I threw up at least once almost everyday the entire time I was pregnant.  I thought for sure once I passed the first trimester that it would end.  I thought for sure after she was born it would end but I threw up for three more months.  I remember waving to some of my neighbors after I had just puked in my front yard for the third day in a row.  They probably thought there was something seriously wrong with me or that I was some kind of drunk.

Looking back it was actually a very lovely time. I felt so completely connected to the miracle of motherhood.  There is something humbling and beautiful about truly knowing what a special gift children are.   I felt wrapped up in this giant bubble of love that I would be able to experience two different ways of having a child arrive.  I felt overwhelmed that I was lucky enough to be entrusted with two little spirits.  Red Fish was little and cuddly and still napped, which was great because I was so tired.  It was kind of like life came to a grinding halt and all I could do was concentrate on getting this little life here.  (Well besides attempting to keep the house, work some and take care of my one year old!)  It was exciting and exhausting.

31 weeks

Tears, Miracles & Unspeakable Joy

So I'm feeling nostalgic and sappy this week and decided I need to post all of my love stories. See my previous post for how Two Fish and I met and fell in love. This is a repost from 2008 but it is my love at first sight story with Red Fish.  She has been asking a lot of questions lately about adoption and it has made me relive those wonderful first moments. We like to tell her that Mommy met Daddy and they fell in love and adopted each other and became a family.  Then we met her, fell in love immediately and we all adopted each other and became a family.

09.02.08-
Well today I made my first calls to start the adoption process over again. We aren't officially starting again until November (that's when we are allowed to.) It doesn't sound like much has changed in the process from when we started out two years ago. Making those calls really made me think about the whole journey we have made since we decided on adoption. I was snuggling with Red Fish today and playing with her and it just hit me over and over what a miracle she is in our lives. The joy of motherhood cannot be put down in words but every day I am grateful for it. Today as I looked at those chubby hands waving at me as she slowly destructed most of the rooms in our house and I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with gratitude and reflect on the tears, miracles, and unspeakable joy I have experienced in this journey so far.

The decision to adopt wasn't really a hard one for us. Our family has been blessed by adoption so many times that it just seemed natural. It was something Two Fish and I had even discussed before we got married. In fact as a small child through most of my teens, I used to claim that all of my kids were going to be adopted. I think in some ways I was always prepared for my kids to be a gift from angels. I was so so ready for kids too. In fact I was a bit obsessed.

I remember the day we decided that we wanted off the whole pregnant/not pregnant roller coaster. We collected information off the internet and then I called my sister in law L. She has two beautiful kids through the adoption miracle. In a very tearful conversation I expressed all of my frustrations and pain that had accrued from repeatedly trying to stay pregnant. L was very sympathetic and offered to let us come over and talk to her and her hubby about their experiences with adoption. It was so encouraging to hear their stories. I also called my grandparents and heard their stories as well. We read books and talked incessantly about adoption. We felt pretty armed with information and were anxious to start the process.

Unfortunately we ran into many many obstacles. I couldn't seem to get a background check because I had lived in London almost five years before and needed an international background check. It was almost impossible to get. I felt all of this pressure to hurry the process because I just knew our baby was coming and SOON. In fact, I was totally convinced there were two babies on the way which made absolutely no sense.

Five and a half months later we were no closer to getting on the waiting list. Nobody could help us. None of questions could be answered and I was getting seriously upset. Then our lives got very movie of the week. My parents were traveling and my Dad was involved in a freak accident. (It's pretty distinctive and would probably blow whatever semblance of privacy I try to maintain on my blog- but needless to say he was attacked by a wild animal.) He sustained a broken femur and was in a hospital in the rain forest. For a very dramatic week he teetered on the brink of death. Third world health care and disease became a reality for our family. I think I felt the full weight of my adulthood for the first time. Trying to help coordinate his rescue and the family phone tree was daunting. For the first time in my life I didn't have my parents to lean on in crisis. His survival and the outpouring of love we received from friends, family, neighbors, and the LDS church around the world was the first miracle we experienced in 2007. It is when I truly realized how intimately involved in our lives our Heavenly Father is. There is no logical reason why my Dad survived.

The day after we got my Dad back into the US I called my sister in law L again. She encouraged me to take some drastic action with our adoption because I felt so strongly that our baby was coming. I called the new branch and they were having their adoption education classes that very night (they are only available every 6 months and are a requirement to adopt.) I assured them we would be there no matter what we had to do to get there. The education classes were wonderful. I loved hearing the stories of people from all sides of adoption.

Then my grandmother had a terrible fall and broke many of the bones on one side of her face. It was back to hospital visits for my family. Many of my memories from the first half of 2007 are not exactly fond ones.

The adoption process sped up dramatically after our switch. The day we found out we were approved and our adoption profile had gone live I found out I was pregnant- AGAIN. This was very confusing for me. Obviously the pregnancy didn't work out but it did make me rely on the Lord again. Also within days of our profile going live we were contacted by Red Fish's birth mom. She was looking for the right couple to place Red Fish with. We began emailing back and forth with her.

We also made our first adoption- our dog Blue Fish. His role as our first little baby has been an important one in our family. He has provided love, comfort, and entertainment for all of us during a very crazy time in our lives. Two Fish bought him for me as a mother's day present in May of 2007.

Shortly after we were approved for adoption we had an opportunity come up rather suddenly to go on a life changing trip to Bikini Atoll. It might sound strange but seeing an touching this piece of history really was a miracle for me. The insights it gave me into myself really touched my life in ways I can't totally explain. When we came home I made some major career decisions that left me self employed entirely for the first time in years.

When we returned from Bikini Atoll we received an email notifying us that a birth mother had picked us for adoption. It was proceeded in a flurry of emails to a new birth mother who we hadn't had any previous contact with. For the next two months we wrote back and forth with her and flew to Texas to meet her. We were encouraged to cut off contact with the other birth mothers who were emailing us because we had been selected for adoption. I just never felt right about cutting off contact with one really special woman who turned out to be Red Fish's birth mother. We told her about the upcoming adoption but we all agreed to keep up our emails in order to support her in the process of choosing a family.

In August we got a call that our son had been born. Unfortunately this quick joy was to be followed by many other emotions. Ultimately we went to Texas but came home empty handed and heart broken. To be honest I'm not sure I will ever totally get over this. It was the lowest point I have ever reached. The happy part of the story is that we sent an email to Red Fish's birth mom and told her our adoption had failed. She had never picked another couple because she always felt like we were the ones she was looking for. She officially "picked us" a couple weeks later and we drove to Idaho to meet her. She was a miracle in our lives. The respect I have for birth mothers cannot be described. I think people who haven't been deeply affected by adoption don't realize the love it takes for a birth mother to place. The true miracle of adoption is the love on all sides that embrace a child. I have never experienced anything more Christlike.

Love at First Sight- 1 day old.

Red Fish's entry into our lives has been a miracle. The day she was placed in our arms I knew she was a gift. It was like I had been experiencing all of this pressure that a baby was coming.  A specific baby.  When I held her that first time I recognized her immediately as the exact baby I had been waiting for.  She was immediately mine, our hearts already bound together.  Love at first sight. Taking her to our little hotel room was overwhelming and beautiful and scary and wonderful. That first week that the three of us spent together was one of the sweetest of my life. We sat in a little hotel, just the three of us for a whole week until Two Fish had to go back to work. I spent her second week waiting for a call that I could go home and sitting on my Mom's college roommate's couch holding my precious baby and admiring her tiny parts. The next couple of months I think I spent most of my time sitting on my couch and holding her like she might disappear if I let go. My ward threw me an incredible shower and the amount of encouragement, love, gifts, etc. that we received was nothing short of overwhelming. The kindness of our friends and family has been yet another miracle. (Are you getting tired of that word? I can't think of another suitable to describe our experience.)


Our temple sealing was the culminating miracle of our adoption journey (although I know we will see many more in our journey as a family.)


Entering the adoption process again is overwhelming, terrifying sometimes, but I have to concentrate on the miracles it opens us up to. Everyday is a step towards bringing that baby into our family. We rely on the love and kindness of others. We embrace other people's freedom of choice and we surrender our ability to control the situation. Thank you to those who have supported us and carried us through these last couple years. We love you.

A Love Story With No Ending

September of 2001 was the start of my sophomore year of college.  My roommate and good friend Muffy and I had moved  to a new apartment building.  We made friends with two guys who lived in the apartment across the sidewalk from us. They frequently invited different people from the complex over to play games on a regular basis.  I initially met Two Fish while playing Uno and sort of pretending to watch a football game on TV.  Sports on TV isn't my thing.  After that I would see Two Fish at church sometimes.

Then, I saw him several days in a row walking home from school.  We would both arrive at the corner of Campus drive just before the Carolina Bells building at the exact same time.  For some reason I started thinking that it was weird that we never acknowledged each other and that he was going to think I was some kind of stalker or something.  (My only explanation for this was that he and his friends were being stalked by a pathetic group of girls in our complex that I didn't want to be associated with.)  So I decided to just blurt out: "Hi, remember me?  We played Uno together, I'm not a stalker.  It's pretty funny we always get here at the same time."  Smooth. I think I incoherently talked his ear off until we got to our cars parked in the Marriott center parking lot.  I  kept trying to compensate for the complete silence I was getting in return.  He did walk beside me the whole agonizing way to the car but I'm pretty sure he didn't say a word.  Embarrassing. Mortifying.  Slam your head on your steering wheel when you get into the car and say: "stupid stupid stupid" before driving home and ducking into your apartment, kind of embarrassing.  Luckily this was not our last encounter.

Two Fish moved in with our mutual friends across the sidewalk.  Legend has it that they suggested I was cute and he should ask me out.  He told them I was too weird and I dressed really weird.  This is the stuff love is made of right? I decided we weren't destined to be friends because he pretty much refused to talk to me.  (He was incredibly quiet and shy- even more quiet than he is now.)  He came over to fix my roommates computer while I was cleaning my room.  I was knee deep in dirty laundry, text books and clutter and belting out the words to Ani Difranco and Metallica.  If we weren't going to be friends, it didn't matter right?  I again, talked his ear off.  This post makes it sound like that is the norm for me, but it really isn't.  By this point I think I was growing on him because he stayed for an awfully long time.

That semester, my roommate and I proceeded to harass him and try and get him to talk to us because we decided that we were going to befriend him against his will and we succeeded. I actually have it written in my journal the first time he ever really talked to me.  He came to rescue us when Muffy got a flat tire.  We rewarded him by tying a sock full of jelly beans on his front door with a note that said: "Thanks a bunchy sock."  I can't remember why that seemed hilarious but at least it got him talking to us.  I guess he could only ignore weird for so long.  Suddenly he was talking to us and sometimes sitting by us in church.

Our group of friends- 2002

 Two Fish and three of his roommates formed an inseparable bond with Muffy and I.  We started to do everything together.  We made dinners on Sundays, we went to the library together.  We woke them up to do headstands and cartwheels outside in the middle of the night because we were pulling an all night study fest.  It was an awesome, pressure-free friendship.  Two Fish would date different girls and I had a boyfriend who I thought I was pretty serious about.

Moving to London

The semester ended and I went to London to do an internship.  I wrote postcards about my summer to Two Fish and his roommates. I wrote to him about Wimbledon and Stone Henge, my job and everything else I did or saw that summer.   I really wish we still had those.  When I got home I called their apartment several times to see if they wanted to hang out.  Two Fish would almost always answer the phone and say something like: "Here, talk to Steve."  Isn't this story romantic?  Toward the end of the summer I broke up with my boyfriend and got ready to move back near school.

A lovely self portrait

I planned a big barbeque and four wheeling party at my parent's cabin just before school started.  I was dating some friend of a friend and it wasn't going well so I decided I should ride home with someone else.  I ended up riding home with Two Fish and we talked about music and discovered we liked the same bands.  He helped me move all of my stuff into my apartment and we stayed up all night talking with our friends.  I distinctly remember wondering if he had gotten cuter over the summer or if I had just never noticed that he was so handsome. 

I'm pretty sure both Muffy and I both got a lot of pressure to start dating one of these cute, nice, intelligent boys we spent the majority of our time with.  I know I did.  When Two Fish and his friends actually attended my brother's baseball games with me, my Mom kept saying: "You aren't going to stay friends with these nice boys forever.  They are going to start finding wives and girlfriends and you are going to miss out."  My grandpa thought Two Fish was especially a good catch.   In October, my roommate Muffy briefly considered dating Two Fish or we thought he was going to ask her on a date.  I don't remember the details. I just remember my reaction of complete jealousy and being totally baffled by it.

One Fish, Muffy & Two Fish- 2002

My birthday and Muffy's birthday are a week apart in November.  We decided to have a weekend up at the cabin with all of our friends to celebrate.  People came and went all weekend.  Some kid I had been on a couple of dates with came up for dinner one night.  And that is when the jealousy struck Two Fish. 

Suddenly Two Fish couldn't do anything by himself.  He really needed help picking out new pants for church.  He got sushi (which if you know how extremely picky and anti-raw fish he is, should make you laugh) with Muffy and I.  He drove an hour and a half with me to visit my best friend and go out for my birthday down town.  And then we drove all the way back and I stopped to drop him at his house.  He started to get out and then changed his mind and got back in the car.  And then he told me he liked me more than a friend and I quickly reciprocated.

We went on our first date to see my brother's band at my old high school and then to a laser show at the planetarium.   We were already the very best of friends.  We knew everything about each other.  He had seen me sick, mad, crying, happy, silly & ridiculous, on dates with other people, running on no sleep and everything in between.  I was pretty sure we were either going to get married or end up hating each other.  I was worried about losing my best friend.

The night he proposed- 2003

Three months later, February 15th 2003, he proposed.  We had talked about marriage, I knew he had talked to my Dad (which would be worthy of it's own post) and I knew it was coming but he still managed to catch me off-guard.  He came in the door to pick me up and handed me flowers.  I was nervous, talking ninety miles an hour and didn't even notice the sweetheart candy taped to the flowers.  I started to put them in a vase and finally noticed the candy said: "Marry me" on it.  I stopped talking and turned around and he was on one knee with the ring out.  I said yes and every day I wake up glad of making that decision.  On August 8th, 2003, we married in an LDS temple.  I get to spend my life with my very best friend.  Lucky, lucky me.

Pictures From The Playroom

Tea Party With Mimi