Road Trip

The girls and I took a little road trip. My grandma has been living in an assisted living for the last while. She has been having a hard time. She needed some cheering up. She doesn't always keep everything straight but she remembers everything about my kids. Their relationship with Grandma is special. There is no other word for it. The girls decorated her assisted living with Valentines. It was a good project for them and they took great pride in it.

My grandfather "Bockum" recently caught incureable pneumonia and he has been in the rehabilitation unit next door to Grandma. Grandma stayed there for a long time last year. This is rough. Seeing my grandparents health fail them is difficult. I was Asia's age when I lost three of my great grandparents and I remember exactly how it felt. My girls have a really special, close relationship with their great grandparents and they know nothing of loss. They know things are different now and I've been so impressed with the way they have behaved this weekend. It is not easy for two young kids to spend all day sitting in nursing homes and waiting.  They also decorated Bockum's room with hearts and Valentines decor.

Service Project

 We've started doing a few service projects. I'm trying to find things that the girls can lead and really embrace. My friend Lovely L and I felt like Valentines was the perfect time for a service project. We made dozens of Valentines with Lovely L and her beautiful little kids and then we went to a local nursing homes and played music for the residents. Then we went room to room visiting them and delivering valentines. Some of these people never get visitors so it was really touching to see how they reacted to having these kids come visit. My girls are sometimes a little slow to warm up to people and can be very shy at first even though they have such a strong personalities. Visiting so many strangers and having them compliment Red Fish's hair and want to talk to her was a hard thing for her to do. New Fish put on her brave face and channeled her inner strength and ability to make friends everywhere she goes. We talked ahead of time that some of the people we would be visiting might not be coherent, some might look or smell or act funny and that it was okay to look at people as long as you look them in the eye and smile. We talked about the fact that the biggest service we would be doing would be to smile and be kind. It really made me proud to see the girls rise to the occasion and really show love for these people. They have such a tender hearts and really feels things deeply.

He's 35

 I should rescan these pictures but instead I took these lame pictures of a picture on my cell phone.

Twelve years ago I surprised Two Fish by sneaking into his apartment and making breakfast for him and his roommates. He was a huge grumpus and said h would rather eat cereal and sleep in. After over eleven years of marriage and two kids he is much less grumpy about his birthday breakfast. Thirty-five looks good on you babe! Happy birthday! Let's spend the next fifty plus together. I promise to always wake you up and make pancakes.

Nutcracker

The girls in their Christmas dresses paired with snow boots because it has been snowing like crazy around here.

 Today I was riding in the front seat of the car listening to my girls discuss all of the reasons it is great to have a sister to love you and take care of you.  I cried, quietly so they wouldn't stop talking.  I'm getting more emotional the older I get and I was a crybaby from the beginning.  In moments like that my cup runneth over.  Seeing how much they love each other (even though they drive each other crazy a good deal of the time) brings me so much joy.  I think the conversation might have been inspired by seeing the movie Frozen this weekend but their list of reasons included things like a good sister will make sure you get a new nightlight for Christmas because the light-bulb in your other night light just burned out.  A good sister will help you get your snow boots on when the zipper is stuck. A good sister will hold your hand even if you are made of ice.

We went to the Nutcracker matinee performance downtown.  New Fish was in complete heaven the whole time and Red Fish liked the show but doesn't enjoy having to be quiet for two hours.  I kind of knew ahead of time that New Fish would like it more than Red Fish because she is more interested in ballet in general.

 My parents came with us.  They have sat through the Nutcracker hundreds of time but this was probably one of the first times they sat in the audience.  Two Fish is a very sweet Dad to his daughters and doesn't complain (often) about doing things with his girls like seeing Frozen and the Nutcracker in one weekend.  After the show we stopped by the mall and saw Santa Claus.  New Fish is all about Santa Claus and Red Fish is suspicious but happy to believe.  Red Fish was a bit dubious about Santa's explanation about how he gets around the world in one night but decided it was acceptable for now.  It's fun to be in this stage of belief and magic.  I will take it for as long as it lasts.  There are no pictures with Santa because they were charging an average of $30 and I refuse to spend that much on a snapshot with Santa.

Snapped on my Dad's cell phone.

When I was little I got to sit near the front row and watch ballets while my parents played in the pit.  Sadly our seats weren't as good because our tickets were for the second balcony but we bought a family pack so we can see a few shows much like we have done with the symphony the last three years.  Luckily we moved down to the first balcony during intermission.  The Nutcracker is still a fun experience from far away and the girls loved the sparkly costumes.  Sparkles are always a hit with my girls.  They kept asking if they were "real humans or fake humans on the stage."  If the story is fake then why are the people real?  I'm not sure they understand the concept of being an actor or performer completely.  To them, everything is real.

Closing A Chapter And Moving On To The Next

I have all but abandoned this blog, which makes me sad because it has been such a great way of tracking the milestones in our family and staying in touch with friends. I did go back and add pictures of our summer for my future blog book. I just haven't known what to say in a long time.  It felt dishonest to just keep cataloging the pictures and say nothing of what has been going on in my head.  I wasn't sure I wanted to share or that it was even apropriate to do so on a public forum but I have decided that the experience has been too isolating and that maybe there are other people out there who can relate to what I've been through and who would like to know that they are not alone in their experience.  I've also felt incredibly guilty at the enormity of my grief when I am so keenly aware of the struggles those around me are experiencing on their journey through the thorny path.  I feel guitly that the last few months have been so hard when I know so many people going through things that sound harder. It feels wrong to be so upset by infertility and the pain it causes because I have already been blessed by two miracles.  I may regret this post and remove it.  I don't know.

I was taking fertility treatments, maintaining a very strict gluten free diet and trying all sorts of things in order to have a baby. I knew my chances weren't great and I thought I knew what I was facing if it didn't work out in the end.  I think I had almost convinced myself that my fertility issues weren't that big a deal and that I had dramatized them in my head. I didn't want to feel like I gave up when I feel so driven to bring another child into our family.  The adoption route was not working out and birth seemed like the easiest option.

When discussing the idea of when the soul enters the body with friends recently, one of them mentioned that some of the stem cell researchers she knows believe that at 18 days gestation there is a presence that can't be denied and they won't touch them after that.  I definitely believe that the soul enters the body fairly early on but I can't decide if the idea of the soul entering that early is a beautiful thought or completely horrifying in every way.  The idea of that many children waiting for me on the other side is crushing and comforting at the same time.

You would think that after so many miscarriages I would pretty much know the drill.  I would have thought that they would all begin to feel the same.  It isn't true. This late stage miscarriage and the agonizing weeks leading up to it threatened to push me off a cliff I had only peered over before.  The deep chasm of grief that comes from losing a child is something that I still have only hung onto the edge of.  I have spent a lot of time thinking about the people around me and their experiences. This loss was so tangible and potent that it really knocked me down.  It was a before and after event.  Like I blew a hole in everything I knew before.  My life feels like it will always be categorized into before and after.

I know what it feels like to be angry that the sun still comes up and that people still resume their normal day to day.  The world can't stop for everyone's grief or it would never turn again. I feel ungrateful for even wishing it would stop for a moment because I have a great life.

Time has a way of dulling pain and it has definitely healed many of my previous wounds but this one has left a scar that my life will have to grow around.  It already has begun to grow around it, which I guess is itself a kind of healing. Will I ever be the same?  Probably not, but I'm learning that is okay.

For the first few months I felt like parts of myself had come untethered.  Like I needed to run around and strap all the bits of my heart back down.  The moments in which I felt truly like myself were few and far between and I began tracking them.  Watching the expression on my kids faces at Mary Poppins.  Doing a puzzle with New Fish. Playing in the pool with my girls and nephew.  Now I am starting to feel more like myself.  Spending time drawing and painting with the girls, practicing piano and reading with Red Fish and trying to keep up with New Fish's new OBSESSION with learning to read.  I doubt they even realized what a disruption to our normal rhythm occurred this summer.  We had a very relaxed summer and that was probably good for all of us.  My greatest calling in life is definitely to be the mother of these two special little spirits.  I never stop thinking that.  Other areas of my life have been chaos but the mothering just continues every moment of every day.  I love that.

This week has reached a final climax.  We've been reliving 2007 around here. My Dad had another broken femur in a foreign country and had to be taken by air ambulance for surgery.  My grandmother had another fall and ended up in an ER again.  I lost babies.  And this time instead of my Mom having a hysterectomy (I guess she couldn't really do that again) I had one.  There is a kind of peace that comes with that in knowing that a chapter has closed and I need/get to move on.  I have spent the last week sleeping and feel like I could use another week of sleep.

There is a part of me that thinks that if we are going relive all of the nasty parts of 2007 can't we get a baby at the end of it like last time? 

Dr. Red Fish checking up on me.  She asked the surgeon for pictures of my organs and studied them afterwards.  She is our little scientist for sure.

Ear Piercing

Getting ready

 When I was a little girl, I desperately wanted my ears pierced and my grandpa egged me on.  I was supposed to wait until I ten years old.  I begged endlessly to get them done early.  Just before my 9th birthday I was holding onto my Dad's foot and dragging behind him as he walked down the hall, begging to get my ears done.  He shoke me loose and told me he just didn't care anymore.  I think he meant that he just didn't want to talk about this anymore but I took it as the green light.  My grandparents took me to get my ears pierced.  Two Fish and I had decided we would let our girls get their ears pierced whenever they seemed to desperately want them done.  Red Fish has been pleading for months now even though I explained the process thoroughly to her.

We took a little road trip to visit my grandparents and we all went together to watch Red Fish.  She looked pretty nervous before they pierced them and I wasn't sure she would go through with it.  She was determined.  She didn't even cry afterwards.  She loves her little earings.

In process

Deciding whether to cry or not.

Afterwards

Duso

A little while ago Red Fish brought "Duso" the dolphin home from preschool.  She had to take him on all of her adventures for a week and then write down what they did together.  I loved hearing what she thought about her week.

Duso came home from school with me.  I was the line leader.  We made lion manes.  First T came over after school.  We made collages with rainbow stuff and we made fishy glass windows.  We fingerpainted.  We colored.  We did science experiments with red, yellow and blue and mixed them to orange, purple and green.  We mixed them up from colors.  When T went home, S invited us over.  We played kingdom.  I was the queen and S and New Fish were honeys and A was the king.  We watched a movie.  I didn't want to go home so I cried. Then I got ready for soccer.  Tonight I went to my soccer game.  My uniform is turquoise.  It was cold. I wore a puffy, big coat.  I scored a goal and I was happy.

I went to speech in the morning.  Duso came with me.  It was good.  Mommy picked me up.  B's Mommy is coming over for visiting teaching.  I went to T's house.  We played dress up and the boys were zombies.  I went to piano lessons.  It was fun.  I passed off two songs.  Then we went to get slurpies.  We went home.  We had dinner and it was my favorite.  Mommy read me the rest of Mrs. Piggle Wiggle.  Duso loved it.

Duso came with me to school.  I wore a lion mane.  I played with J.  I got my face painted and my arm.  A clown came to school and she made a bunny.  She was a girl with purple hair.  I ate lunch.  I finished my math workbook and I get a prize.  I went to T's house to play princesses.  Mommy taught me to ride my bike without training wheels.  i rode all the way down the sidewalk.  My Daddy is going to be excited.  My Daddy took me and New Fish to the dollar store for prizes and I got a Carebear coloring book and crayons.  Daddy read me stories.

Baby Thing 1 came over.  We  played with Thing 1 and MeMine came over.  We played rescuers down under and I was a bald eagle and New Fish was a princess and Mommy and MeMine were the captains of the ship.  I made a cannon out of paper to shoot a net.  We went to soccer practice.  T and T were there.  T came home with us and we shot bubbles at the dog.  He jumped up and caught them.  After Daddy came home we went to dinner at Pei Wei.  It was fun.  I had a cookie at the end with a paper in it.

We did science experiments and learned about bodies.  We learned about lungs.  We had a bottle and a long thing (surgical tubing) and we filled the bottle up with air from our lungs.  We played math games and had a relay race.  Daddy helped me ride my bike.  It was cool.  I can ride it down the street by myself.  My butterfly came out of his cocoon.  We painted butterflies of paper and antenaes.  We still have butterflies that need to wake up.  My ants dig tunnels.  Sometimes I watch them but I like the butterflies.  It was fun to have ants and butterflies.

We baked brownies.  Mommy and my little sister named [New Fish.] We went to church.  Then we had dinner and A.J. and her whole family came over.  We played with her.  We had salad, grapes, tomatoes.  I ate all of the tomatoes.  We had apples, onions and carrot salad.  We had meat.  I wore my Rapunzel wedding dress nightgown to bed. 

We went to swimming lessons.  I got five punches on my swimming lesson card.  I'm five.  I learned my strokes.  We got ice cream cones and seeds to play.  Mommy practices piano with me.  Mommy and Daddy are nice.  We went on a pony ride at the farm and saw baby goats.

i is for insect

Today we talked about the letter "i" and insects.  We spent a good half hour singing through all of the nursery rhymes we have learned so far this year.  The kids love music time and it has been on the back burner the last few weeks. New Fish no longer feels the need to get dressed for school and she comes in her pjs most of the time.  I will be curious to see if she tries to wear her jammies to school next year.

We practiced counting to 20 and identifying all of the numbers.  They have no problems with this but I like to do the same group of numbers for a really long time.  Theses two kids are only three years old after all.  There is no rush.  They have learned so much this year, they are ready for Kindergarten but New Fish still have two more years of preschool before she will be going.

 We sang there was an old lady who swallowed a fly today for the first time.  We read from The Usbourne Children's Encyclopedia and Caterpillars and Butterflies.  We looked at pictures of the life cycle of a butterfly and discussed them and learned about the different parts of an insect.  We read The Hungry Hungry Caterpillar and The Very Angry Ladybug by Eric Carle and did some Eric Carle threading cards.  We did prewriting worksheets and practiced drawing and coloring their own patterns.  We did a new stack of file folder games (they love file folder games) and worked on learning rhyming words and opposites.  New Fish has gotten really good at rhyming.  We also played the honey bee tree game at the very end.  We play a lot of games and I think they are really great for teaching them to follow directions and take turns.

 We spent a good chunk of time observing our insects that we have been watching for the past two weeks.  Three of our six catepillars have formed a cysalis and hopefully the others will start in the next couple of days.  It was good timing for the kids to see what is happening to them.  The ants are tunneling around like crazy and the girls want to check on them first thing in the morning to see what they have been up to.  The girls want to get a tadpole next.  I'm tempted to do it because we have had so much fun watching the bugs.  Too bad we don't have a pond nearby to catch them.  I used to grow them in buckets of hundreds when I was little.

Uncle Lawrence

2008

2006

Uncle Lawrence-We love you.  You will be missed.

Santa Lucia

 When I was in elementary school, some family friends sent me a Santa Lucia outfit.  We had been to Sweden to visit and I had always loved all things Swedish (must have come with my name) and Christmas so I was thrilled to start celebrating Santa Lucia with my family.  I used to make my brothers get up early with me and I usually cook premade cinnamon rolls and hot chocolate for my parents.  I have been thinking for years that I wanted to share the tradition with my girls.  On Monday we got an amazing surprise package from the same family friends in Sweden.  Inside were two crowns, dresses, treats and all sorts of fun things.  I was blown away. 

 We celebrated a couple of days late (we had the flu earlier this week.)  This morning we made Swedish pancakes with Lingon berry sauce and the traditional Lussekattor buns.  I have no idea if they were very authentic.  We also had hot chocolate with whipped cream.  After we prepared some plates of treats, we made our way through the foot of snow that fell in our yard last night (I guess we ordered an authentic Swedish day?) and took some treats to a few family members and friends.  We had to limit it to people on our street because the kids just have to many friends they wanted to make deliveries to and it took us hours to make everything and deliver even with the limitations set.  We have a long street.

Thank you, thank you Lena and Gert!

Christmas Dresses

 This is our fourth set of Christmas outfits the girls have already worn so far this year if you count their jammies. (Yes, we are obsessed.) They wore their new Christmas dresses last Sunday (I didn't take a picture yet) and their new outfits on Thanksgiving.  The girls wore two of my old Christmas dresses to church today.  My Mom made both of them for me when I was little.  It was fun that there was a homemade dress that fit each of them this year.

Thankful

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  As always, I have spent the majority of my time with my family this week and the little things have stood out to me.  I am so thankful for these three.  How is it even possible that I love them more everyday?  Tomorrow will be the 10 year anniversary of my first date with Two Fish.  November 22nd, 2002- a date that changed my life.  We were so in love and yet the love we have now makes it seem like a highschool crush back then. 

We also brought Red Fish home on November 22nd, 2007.  Two Fish had come home to go back to work and some good friends came and picked me up and brought us home.  Now our little family of four is my whole life.  They are my heart.  I am so thankful for dance parties in the kitchen, wacky moments when we parade around the house with instruments and sing at the top of our lungs, dinners together, pancake making sessions, snuggles and holding tiny hands.  This mother/wife thing I've got going here is pretty much as good as it gets.  Even on the days that feel hard, I count myself as extremely blessed.

Also- PS I have changed the comment settings to try and make it easier.  I miss my commenters.

Daddy Day

 On Saturday, I spent the day with my Mom.  We shopped, we ate dinner, we saw Hillary Hahn play with the symphony.  It was fabulous. I had such a great day- I love spending time with my Mom.  While I was gone, Two Fish took the girls on a "Daddy day."  The girls had it all planned out and were making lists of things to do.  They adore their Daddy and these special outings with him mean a lot to the girls.  They had him take them to the farm, the dinosaur musuem, out to lunch at a fast food restaurant with a play place, out for ice cream cones and then they went to the grocery store with him.  They were thrilled with their special day.

While we are on the topic of dates- I do want to write down for posterity that Two Fish took me on a lovely birthday date to see the ballet.  It was the first time I have been since I was a little kid.  My parents used to play in the pit when I was little and they would sometimes let me sit on the front row with their free ticket.  I have very vivid memories of going and I loved it.  It was fun to go back with Two Fish.  It was a delightful birthday surprise.

60 Years!

In a world that struggles to see the value of family and marriage, I'm happy to have good examples of happy marriages and a couple happy to share their lives with each other for sixty years.  Happy 60th anniversary! May there be many more celebrations together.

LACMA

I had a few hours to myself today in LA.  I did an internship here when I was nineteen and it was fun to do a tiny bit of wandering.  I'm surprised at how little seemed familiar.  Things change fast.  I stayed in a hotel by myself last night and that creeped me out a bit.  I'm not used to spending much time alone now that I'm a Mom.  Funny that I had no problem moving across the ocean by myself at a young age with no living arrangements but now staying in a hotel for a night creeps me out.  I'm getting wussy. 

The main attraction for the day was a trip to the Los Angeles County Museum of Art.  It is full of happy memories for me.  My Dad took me to see all of the paintings from the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam when they were displayed in 2000.  One of the highlights of my life.  I also spent a lot of time there when I was 19.  I would sit for hours in the different rooms.  That's the best way to see an art museum- a little at a time so it can soak into your soul.  Unfortunately, today was a bit of a drive by.  I was literally running around the buildings trying to see a few of my favorites and some of the new things that have been added since I was there last.

Picasso- Head Of A Woman

I adore the permanent collection at the LACMA.  Being in the pressence of that many beautiful works of art feeds my soul and inspires me to go home and create. It cements in my mind the importance of art as a part of our culture and educations. I'm going to have to find a way to incorporate more trips to art museums and shows into my life and try and get my kids to them.  I think my favorite pieces change with each trip but this time I was especially enamoured with many of the bronze sculptures.  There are a series of heads made by Matisse and Picasso's Head of A Woman were were the most striking this time.  I've always loved the B. Gerald Cantor Sculpture Garden with Rodin's works especially the Monumental Head Of Pierre De Wissant.  The LACMA's collection of Giacometti bronze forms are also a sight to behold.  I especially love his elongated forms.  They make me want to fill my home with art.

I also really loved the section of German artists and the avant-garde expressionists. Two of my favorite Albrecht Durer prints are on display at the LACMA, St Michael And The Dragon & The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse.  They are breathtaking prints with incredible detail.  Vasily Kandinsky (not my favorite of his but still enjoyable to see) Ernst Ludwig Kirchner's Two Women and Willem De Koonings' mass of molten forms, Seated Women were all fun to see.  I wish I had more time to examine them closely.

De Kooning- Seated Woman

Kirchner- Two Women

Seeing work by certain beloved artists feels a bit like visiting old friends.  Just walking past George Segal (Woman At The Window), George Brague, Modigliani, my beloved Degas  and his ballerinas is always a treat. Some of them inspired me to think of future projects with my kids.  I need to introduce them to Miro and and Paul Klee.  We have more printmaking to do.  We must do some Calder inspire mobiles and make more large format paintings.  I'm pretty sure spray paint is involved in our near future.  There is simply too much art to make and too little time to do it.

I am not a huge fan of American portraiture but I did take a few moments for the best: Homer, Cassatt & Whistler.

There were new things at the LACMA that I hadn't seen before.  I didn't know Matisse had done any mosaics of his paper collages and they have a massive piece intended for a patio.  How would that be to have at your house? There is a whole building of contemporary art which I find inspiring but nothing jumped out in my memory. A display of James Bond movie credits was so fun.  I'm not a James Bond fan but I do love the style and the artwork.  I've made several pieces inspired by them.  

Now it's off to the train station for a few days with Lovely L!