Closing A Chapter And Moving On To The Next

I have all but abandoned this blog, which makes me sad because it has been such a great way of tracking the milestones in our family and staying in touch with friends. I did go back and add pictures of our summer for my future blog book. I just haven't known what to say in a long time.  It felt dishonest to just keep cataloging the pictures and say nothing of what has been going on in my head.  I wasn't sure I wanted to share or that it was even apropriate to do so on a public forum but I have decided that the experience has been too isolating and that maybe there are other people out there who can relate to what I've been through and who would like to know that they are not alone in their experience.  I've also felt incredibly guilty at the enormity of my grief when I am so keenly aware of the struggles those around me are experiencing on their journey through the thorny path.  I feel guitly that the last few months have been so hard when I know so many people going through things that sound harder. It feels wrong to be so upset by infertility and the pain it causes because I have already been blessed by two miracles.  I may regret this post and remove it.  I don't know.

I was taking fertility treatments, maintaining a very strict gluten free diet and trying all sorts of things in order to have a baby. I knew my chances weren't great and I thought I knew what I was facing if it didn't work out in the end.  I think I had almost convinced myself that my fertility issues weren't that big a deal and that I had dramatized them in my head. I didn't want to feel like I gave up when I feel so driven to bring another child into our family.  The adoption route was not working out and birth seemed like the easiest option.

When discussing the idea of when the soul enters the body with friends recently, one of them mentioned that some of the stem cell researchers she knows believe that at 18 days gestation there is a presence that can't be denied and they won't touch them after that.  I definitely believe that the soul enters the body fairly early on but I can't decide if the idea of the soul entering that early is a beautiful thought or completely horrifying in every way.  The idea of that many children waiting for me on the other side is crushing and comforting at the same time.

You would think that after so many miscarriages I would pretty much know the drill.  I would have thought that they would all begin to feel the same.  It isn't true. This late stage miscarriage and the agonizing weeks leading up to it threatened to push me off a cliff I had only peered over before.  The deep chasm of grief that comes from losing a child is something that I still have only hung onto the edge of.  I have spent a lot of time thinking about the people around me and their experiences. This loss was so tangible and potent that it really knocked me down.  It was a before and after event.  Like I blew a hole in everything I knew before.  My life feels like it will always be categorized into before and after.

I know what it feels like to be angry that the sun still comes up and that people still resume their normal day to day.  The world can't stop for everyone's grief or it would never turn again. I feel ungrateful for even wishing it would stop for a moment because I have a great life.

Time has a way of dulling pain and it has definitely healed many of my previous wounds but this one has left a scar that my life will have to grow around.  It already has begun to grow around it, which I guess is itself a kind of healing. Will I ever be the same?  Probably not, but I'm learning that is okay.

For the first few months I felt like parts of myself had come untethered.  Like I needed to run around and strap all the bits of my heart back down.  The moments in which I felt truly like myself were few and far between and I began tracking them.  Watching the expression on my kids faces at Mary Poppins.  Doing a puzzle with New Fish. Playing in the pool with my girls and nephew.  Now I am starting to feel more like myself.  Spending time drawing and painting with the girls, practicing piano and reading with Red Fish and trying to keep up with New Fish's new OBSESSION with learning to read.  I doubt they even realized what a disruption to our normal rhythm occurred this summer.  We had a very relaxed summer and that was probably good for all of us.  My greatest calling in life is definitely to be the mother of these two special little spirits.  I never stop thinking that.  Other areas of my life have been chaos but the mothering just continues every moment of every day.  I love that.

This week has reached a final climax.  We've been reliving 2007 around here. My Dad had another broken femur in a foreign country and had to be taken by air ambulance for surgery.  My grandmother had another fall and ended up in an ER again.  I lost babies.  And this time instead of my Mom having a hysterectomy (I guess she couldn't really do that again) I had one.  There is a kind of peace that comes with that in knowing that a chapter has closed and I need/get to move on.  I have spent the last week sleeping and feel like I could use another week of sleep.

There is a part of me that thinks that if we are going relive all of the nasty parts of 2007 can't we get a baby at the end of it like last time? 

Dr. Red Fish checking up on me.  She asked the surgeon for pictures of my organs and studied them afterwards.  She is our little scientist for sure.

When One Door Closes

We were babysitting my nephew and the girls got into an argument and started crying.  When he saw me hugging both of the crying girls- Thing 1 burst into tears and wanted in on the hugs too.  So Two Fish took pictures of me trying to hold the three of them in my lap as we all hugged each other.  I have a lot of people to love.

 

In a few days our adoption file at LDS Family Services will expire.  It will be the first time in seven years that I'm not busy getting adoption paperwork done and frantically scrubbing my house for a home check.   There was a three month break in between Red Fish's finalization and when I started the paperwork again for approval before she turned one.  There was another break while I was pregnant with New Fish but we still had to keep our file updated during that time.  So it has been seven years of obsessing about profile pictures and checking the stats on our profile and website.  Seven years of thinking, wishing and hoping.  It was all worth it to have Red Fish join our family.  I don't regret a day of it.  I'm sad it's going to be over.

We aren't going to continue down this road anymore because it isn't working.  It's our decision and I feel like it's time to close this particular door but it is just so hard to actually do it.  I keep bursting into tears just thinking about it.  It has been a rough morning/mourning.  It isn't giving up on another baby yet.  It's just choosing some other options for now but I really hate the feeling of closing a door.  Sad and happy at the same time is a familiar emotion.

When I look around at my life, I am keenly aware of how lucky I am.  It's amazing to me that my Heavenly Father has trusted me with these two little girls.  I get to be their Mom.  I get to hold them and love them and care for them to the best of my abilities.  They have promised to stay my babies forever even if they insist on continuing to grow up at an insane speed.

To Bed

Pretending to sleep in her new bed.

We set a crib up in our house over six years ago, long before Red Fish was born.  I worked on painting the nursery in our old house (same ocean theme as our current house) and we started collecting baby things.  The room and the crib were a symbol that we were officially "waiting on/expecting" our baby.  We were on the adoption waiting list after a few years of disappointments.  The crib was a symbol of our faith that our baby was finally on her way somehow or some way.  So there are a lot of emotions tied to the crib.  The idea of taking it down and not knowing for sure if it will ever go up again has caused a lot of tears over the past month.

We had a twin mattress that was previously Red Fish's but I delayed getting it out because I didn't want to the take the crib down.  When New Fish started jumping out of the crib, we took the side off and turned it into a toddler bed.  New Fish was thrilled with this arrangement at first but recently her entourage of stuffed animals and books was overflowing the bed and she was frustrated.  New Fish went on a serious strike.  She was sleeping on the floor because she absolutely refused to "sleep in that stupid baby bed" anymore.  So I gave in.  I presented the bed with great fanfare and New Fish screamed "I love it, I love it, I love it!" She was thrilled and her excitement took most of the sting out of the experience for me. 

Sometimes I can concentrate on how blessed I am to have two miracles and sometimes I feel the ache of not knowing for sure if there is another in our future.  I know there are a lot of you out there who can relate to that feeling.  I run the gamut of emotions between the possibilities.  Just knowing for sure would be nice but patience and faith must really need to be drilled into my brain.

Will the crib be set back up in our home?  I guess time will tell.  For now, there is a very happy two year old who is thrilled to be moving on to the next milestone and I'm overjoyed to be on the journey with her.

Family Built On Love

I've spent a bunch of time over the past month updating our adoption profile and our adoption website.

Most people who know Scott and I at all know that becoming parents has been the best thing to ever happen to us. We feel so incredibly blessed and lucky to have our two beautiful daughters. They have been miracles in our lives. We think there might still be another child out there for us and we have been approved for adoption again. The waiting lists can be long and connections with birth parents are often found through family and friends. Any help our friends can provide in helping us get our information out there would be so appreciated.

Our adoption profile can be found at https://itsaboutlove.org/ial/profiles/22629031/ourMessage.jsf
We also have a blog to help introduce ourselves to prospective birth parents. familybuiltonlove.blogspot.com
If you could link us to your blog or pass the address along it could make a big difference in helping us build our family. We will also take any prayers and positive thoughts you want to send our way! Fingers crossed there is another adoption miracle in our future!
Much Love and Appreciation,
Kerstin and Scott
scottandkerstin@gmail.com

Tears, Miracles & Unspeakable Joy

So I'm feeling nostalgic and sappy this week and decided I need to post all of my love stories. See my previous post for how Two Fish and I met and fell in love. I will post about New Fish's entry into our lives tomorrow.  This is a repost from 2008 but it is my love at first sight story with Red Fish.  She has been asking a lot of questions lately about adoption and it has made me relive those wonderful first moments. We like to tell her that Mommy met Daddy and they fell in love and adopted each other and became a family.  Then we met her, fell in love immediately and we all adopted each other and became a family.

09.02.08-
Well today I made my first calls to start the adoption process over again. We aren't officially starting again until November (that's when we are allowed to.) It doesn't sound like much has changed in the process from when we started out two years ago. Making those calls really made me think about the whole journey we have made since we decided on adoption. I was snuggling with Red Fish today and playing with her and it just hit me over and over what a miracle she is in our lives. The joy of motherhood cannot be put down in words but every day I am grateful for it. Today as I looked at those chubby hands waving at me as she slowly destructed most of the rooms in our house and I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with gratitude and reflect on the tears, miracles, and unspeakable joy I have experienced in this journey so far.

The decision to adopt wasn't really a hard one for us. Our family has been blessed by adoption so many times that it just seemed natural. It was something Two Fish and I had even discussed before we got married. In fact as a small child through most of my teens, I used to claim that all of my kids were going to be adopted. I think in some ways I was always prepared for my kids to be a gift from angels. I was so so ready for kids too. In fact I was a bit obsessed.

I remember the day we decided that we wanted off the whole pregnant/not pregnant roller coaster. We collected information off the internet and then I called my sister in law L. She has two beautiful kids through the adoption miracle. In a very tearful conversation I expressed all of my frustrations and pain that had accrued from repeatedly trying to stay pregnant. L was very sympathetic and offered to let us come over and talk to her and her hubby about their experiences with adoption. It was so encouraging to hear their stories. I also called my grandparents and heard their stories as well. We read books and talked incessantly about adoption. We felt pretty armed with information and were anxious to start the process.

Unfortunately we ran into many many obstacles. I couldn't seem to get a background check because I had lived in London almost five years before and needed an international background check. It was almost impossible to get. I felt all of this pressure to hurry the process because I just knew our baby was coming and SOON. In fact, I was totally convinced there were two babies on the way which made absolutely no sense.

Five and a half months later we were no closer to getting on the waiting list. Nobody could help us. None of questions could be answered and I was getting seriously upset. Then our lives got very movie of the week. My parents were traveling and my Dad was involved in a freak accident. (It's pretty distinctive and would probably blow whatever semblance of privacy I try to maintain on my blog- but needless to say he was attacked by a wild animal.) He sustained a broken femur and was in a hospital in the rain forest. For a very dramatic week he teetered on the brink of death. Third world health care and disease became a reality for our family. I think I felt the full weight of my adulthood for the first time. Trying to help coordinate his rescue and the family phone tree was daunting. For the first time in my life I didn't have my parents to lean on in crisis. His survival and the outpouring of love we received from friends, family, neighbors, and the LDS church around the world was the first miracle we experienced in 2007. It is when I truly realized how intimately involved in our lives our Heavenly Father is. There is no logical reason why my Dad survived.

The day after we got my Dad back into the US I called my sister in law L again. She encouraged me to take some drastic action with our adoption because I felt so strongly that our baby was coming. I called the new branch and they were having their adoption education classes that very night (they are only available every 6 months and are a requirement to adopt.) I assured them we would be there no matter what we had to do to get there. The education classes were wonderful. I loved hearing the stories of people from all sides of adoption.

Then my grandmother had a terrible fall and broke many of the bones on one side of her face. It was back to hospital visits for my family. Many of my memories from the first half of 2007 are not exactly fond ones.

The adoption process sped up dramatically after our switch. The day we found out we were approved and our adoption profile had gone live I found out I was pregnant- AGAIN. This was very confusing for me. Obviously the pregnancy didn't work out but it did make me rely on the Lord again. Also within days of our profile going live we were contacted by Red Fish's birth mom. She was looking for the right couple to place Red Fish with. We began emailing back and forth with her.

We also made our first adoption- our dog Blue Fish. His role as our first little baby has been an important one in our family. He has provided love, comfort, and entertainment for all of us during a very crazy time in our lives. Two Fish bought him for me as a mother's day present in May of 2007.

Shortly after we were approved for adoption we had an opportunity come up rather suddenly to go on a life changing trip to Bikini Atoll. It might sound strange but seeing an touching this piece of history really was a miracle for me. The insights it gave me into myself really touched my life in ways I can't totally explain. When we came home I made some major career decisions that left me self employed entirely for the first time in years.

When we returned from Bikini Atoll we received an email notifying us that a birth mother had picked us for adoption. It was proceeded in a flurry of emails to a new birth mother who we hadn't had any previous contact with. For the next two months we wrote back and forth with her and flew to Texas to meet her. We were encouraged to cut off contact with the other birth mothers who were emailing us because we had been selected for adoption. I just never felt right about cutting off contact with one really special woman who turned out to be Red Fish's birth mother. We told her about the upcoming adoption but we all agreed to keep up our emails in order to support her in the process of choosing a family.

In August we got a call that our son had been born. Unfortunately this quick joy was to be followed by many other emotions. Ultimately we went to Texas but came home empty handed and heart broken. To be honest I'm not sure I will ever totally get over this. It was the lowest point I have ever reached. The happy part of the story is that we sent an email to Red Fish's birth mom and told her our adoption had failed. She had never picked another couple because she always felt like we were the ones she was looking for. She officially "picked us" a couple weeks later and we drove to Idaho to meet her. She was a miracle in our lives. The respect I have for birth mothers cannot be described. I think people who haven't been deeply affected by adoption don't realize the love it takes for a birth mother to place. The true miracle of adoption is the love on all sides that embrace a child. I have never experienced anything more Christlike.

Love at First Sight- 1 day old.

Red Fish's entry into our lives has been a miracle. The day she was placed in our arms I knew she was a gift. It was like I had been experiencing all of this pressure that a baby was coming.  A specific baby.  When I held her that first time I recognized her immediately as the exact baby I had been waiting for.  She was immediately mine, our hearts already bound together.  Love at first sight. Taking her to our little hotel room was overwhelming and beautiful and scary and wonderful. That first week that the three of us spent together was one of the sweetest of my life. We sat in a little hotel, just the three of us for a whole week until Two Fish had to go back to work. I spent her second week waiting for a call that I could go home and sitting on my Mom's college roommate's couch holding my precious baby and admiring her tiny parts. The next couple of months I think I spent most of my time sitting on my couch and holding her like she might disappear if I let go. My ward threw me an incredible shower and the amount of encouragement, love, gifts, etc. that we received was nothing short of overwhelming. The kindness of our friends and family has been yet another miracle. (Are you getting tired of that word? I can't think of another suitable to describe our experience.)


Our temple sealing was the culminating miracle of our adoption journey (although I know we will see many more in our journey as a family.)


Entering the adoption process again is overwhelming, terrifying sometimes, but I have to concentrate on the miracles it opens us up to. Everyday is a step towards bringing that baby into our family. We rely on the love and kindness of others. We embrace other people's freedom of choice and we surrender our ability to control the situation. Thank you to those who have supported us and carried us through these last couple years. We love you.

Pains

Pain
Pain stayed so long I said to him today,
"I will not have you with me any more."
I stamped my foot and said, "Be on your way."
And paused there, startled as the look he wore,
"I, who have been your friend," he said to me,
"I, who have been your teacher---all you know
Of understanding love, of sympathy,
And patience, I have taught you. Shall I go?"
He spoke the truth, this strange unwelcome guest;
I watched him leave, and knew that he was wise,
He left a heart grown tender in my breast,
He left a far, clear vision in my eyes.
I dried my tears, and lifted up a song---
Even for one who'd tortured me so long.
 
Written By,
Spencer W. Kimball

I went to a class a week or so ago that was put on by two grief conselors.  They gave really fabulous talks on how to talk to people who are going through hard things like the loss of a loved one, infertility, depression and many other difficult circumstances. Because let's face it- we've all said something incredibly stupid to someone in pain at some point.  I think back on things I have said and thought were comforting and cringe. The couple teaching the class listed quotes and scriptures that are comforting and basically said that  the best thing you can say to someone in pain is: "I'm sorry.  How can I help you."  No - "This must have happened for a reason."  Or, "it wasn't meant to be." etc.  No accidental judgment attached to the comfort.


I have spent a serious amount of time over the last few years thinking about some of the difficult things the people around me are going through and trying to learn how to be there for them in a more considerate of their feelings.  Everyone goes through really tough things and I really want to learn how to be more sympathetic to other people's experiences.  I think I've made a lot of progress over the past few years but I'd like to make more.

I feel like several scars on my heart have formed in the last year. I've had several very healing experiences that have close some wounds.  There has been a remapping of the surface of my heart that I've come to accept and sometimes appreciate.  I realized a few weeks ago, that finally after four years and two children, thinking about our failed adoption in 2007 didn't bring on a soul crushing sadness.  Thinking about our tougher losses didn't stab me through the heart anymore.  It didn't hurt quite like it used to. I daresay, it is just a mild sting now.  He was never even really ours for more than a few hours, although the months leading up to his birth we thought we was ours.  I can't imagine losing a child later down the road into parenthood. I used to think that maybe I had peeked over the edge into the abyss that loss must feel like but now that I feel such healing, I'm not sure I ever had any idea of the depth of that sorrow. I guess I'm just feeling grateful to be in my own shoes, to have the Lord to strengthen me when I fall and to have good people around me.  I'm grateful for the things I've learned and I'm truly hoping to be able to support the people around me like I have been supported in my own trials.

Adoption Tax Credit

November happens to be national adoption month! Yay! As many of you know, adoption is expensive.

Also, many of you may or may not know that the federal adoption tax credit of $10,150 (2009) is set to expire at the end of 2010. This tax credit makes it possible for many of us to afford otherwise unaffordable adoptions. Losing this benefit would make it nearly impossible for some families to ever adopt. There is a Bill (HR 213) which was written to make this tax credit permanent, but we need to get it passed. We are calling for the help of you and especially your out of state families. Here is how you can help:

1. Find the name and Washington, D.C. mailing address of your Representative and Senators at www.congress.org. To find e-mail addresses, click through to the Senator’s or congressperson’s Web site.

2. Log on to THOMAS (Library of Congress) to find out whether your Congresspersons are already co-sponsors of the legislation. Here is how:

· On the THOMAS opening page, under “Search Bill Summary and Status,” search by bill number for H.R. 213. Then click on “Bill summary and Status.”

· On the page that comes up, click on “Cosponsors.”

3. If your representatives have not signed on as co-sponsors of the bill, send them your request that they do so. Tell them how important the tax credit was to you when you adopted your children, or how much you and other families you know are counting on it to be available in the future.

Act today, your efforts make a difference.

Tania

Introducing baby Tania, born in the cabbage patch May 12th and adopted by Red Fish August 21st. Anybody near my age knows the serious nature of owning a cabbage patch doll. They were all the rage when I was a little girl. I remember taking my solemn adoption oath to adopt my cabbage patch baby and love her forever and I still have her adoption papers. Last week my grandparents gave Red Fish her first cabbage patch and she has not separated from it since. I'm a little worried that Red Fish thinks this is the baby we've been expecting. Now New Fish's swing, clothes, blankets, toys etc. have all been confiscated for baby Tania. Red Fish brushes her hair and wraps her in a blankie and takes her everywhere. It is so sweet to see her patting her and kissing her and rocking her. She treats her like a real baby. I love seeing her little instincts to care for a baby. Hopefully Red Fish and Tania won't get too jealous when New Fish arrives on the scene and wants to share the baby clothes.

Great Articles

Before my adoption experience I knew adoption was a wonderful thing but there were still a lot of things I didn't understand. Lately there have been a lot of great articles on adoption that might answer some questions you might have or help dispel some of the myths you might have heard.

“Adoption and Abortion” You Tube video
Listen to the journey of a birthmother through adoption.

Common Roadblocks to Adoption- why is it so complicated to adopt?

“The Gift of Adoption,” Ensign, Feb. 2009
This article explores adoption from the point of view of the birthmother, birthfather, birth grandparent, and adoptive child.

Natasha's Story
The Love it takes to place.

“Why Adoption?,” Ensign, Jan. 2008
This article explores adoption from the point of view of the adoptive couple.

“Abortion: An Assault on the Defenseless,” Ensign, Oct. 2008


“Making a Family,” Friend, Feb. 2009
Based on a true story, a young child learns about the loving choice of adoption.

For more information on adoption, go to itsaboutlove.org
For more information about Families Supporting Adoption, go to familiessupportingadoption.org

Alright here it is... the news.

Well as most people who read this blog probably know, I'm pregnant. It feels strange to even type that and put it out there. It's something I kind of thought I would never announce.

So far it's been a pretty huge roller coaster of emotion. I'm so grateful to be pregnant and for the prospect of a child coming into our family. I feel like I've been at battle for a long time (I know everybody doesn't think it sounds like a long time but trust me- it's a long time) trying to get our kids here. I've felt the pressure of feeling like my kids were on their way and sometimes driven myself crazy trying to figure out what's our next move to try and get them here. We were so lucky to have Red Fish come into our family the way she did. I've finally come to the point where I've just stopped trying to figure out my next move is. I've finally learned (after having it beat into my head seven times) that it isn't up to me. I have to put it in the Lord's hands and concentrate on how lucky and blessed I am.

It's been scary because this isn't my first pregnancy and it's been hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that we might actually have a baby by giving birth. So far it's been lucky #7. I've been afraid to dig out my pregnancy books because there are too many bad associations with them. I've packed them up too many times. Every little cramp or weird feeling sends me to the verge of panic. My very kind doctor has me come every one or two weeks and the sound of that heartbeat (yes the first baby heartbeat I've ever heard) fills me with such relief I can hardly explain it.

Yesterday, I went to the doctor and they spent 15 minutes searching for the heartbeat with no luck. Part of me was on the verge of seizure but the bigger part of me knew it was going to be okay this time. This pregnancy has been different right from the start (my first positive home pregnancy test) and I'm finally starting to accept the idea that this whole experience is going to be different.

Here's the best part about what feels like a very long strange journey so far into motherhood. As my OB put it, I now understand in a way that few women probably do what a miracle motherhood is. I don't take it for granted or think it's a given that children will come into my family. I really know what a beautiful, rare, and special gift it is when kids come into your family and how special the different ways they arrive are. Red Fish has been the most amazing gift and I don't think I will ever stop looking at her and be overwhelmed with gratitude and awe that I am her mother. So maybe that's the best lesson in all of this. At the end of even the hardest day I will look at my kids and really know how special they really are and maybe I can push myself that much harder to deserve such beautiful gifts.

Random Updates

Well we had our final home check for the adoption application process yesterday. Hours of anxious scrubbing for someone to walk around our house for ten minutes and check it out. It was the last step toward getting approved. Red Fish was a total maniac the whole time the case worker was here. She was hilarious. She just kept shaking her whole body and head and screaming and running. She's become quite the wild thing lately. Now it's just matter of waiting and hoping for a birth parent to pick us. So keep your fingers crossed for us.
Baby updates- well Red Fish isn't much of a baby anymore. She is more like a tiny person with her own opinions and personality. She is up to eight teeth now and has more on the way. (This has made for a lot of sleepless nights around here.) It has also made feeding options a lot easier. She can pretty much eat anything now and she fully enjoys it. She enjoys rubbing the food into her hair, throwing it on the floor, and trying to feed me soggy pieces of pre-moistened food. It's crazy to see how big she is getting.

The pacifier died out a couple months ago. Ever since we trimmed it that one time she wasn't as interested in it and then all the sudden she didn't want it at all. I'm happy that wasn't a battle. We have cut back on the bottles and Red Fish hasn't seemed to care much. We just switched from formula to milk and she likes to drink it out of a cup anyway. Now we've got to try and let her use more silverware and get used to it.

Yesterday was Two Fish's 29th birthday. We had our home check so we just had a simple dinner with his mom and cake.

Other than that we've been feeling a bit of the Christmas crunch so we are just trying to get things done.

Fishnet Tights

All of you may not know of my true love of fishnet and funky tights but it's a deep love. I have them in every color and pattern imaginable. The other day when we went in for an interview with our new adoption case worker she was wearing fishnet tights. I think it's a sign!

Dear Redfish

Once upon a time when Mommy was in college she met Daddy. She liked him very much. They became very good friends. Then they fell in love, so they adopted each other and became a family. They were very happy.

Then one day Mommy and Daddy met a very sweet puppy. Daddy thought he was very soft and cute. His name was Blue Fish. Mommy and Daddy fell in love with Blue Fish and they all adopted each other and became a family. Mommy and Daddy were very happy and we all loved each other even more than before.

Then exactly a year ago today we met you. You were very tiny and special and perfect and we fell in love with you immediately and you fell in love with us. We all adopted each other and became a family. We never knew how happy we could be before we met you. Every day we love each other even more than we ever knew was possible.

Thank you for coming to our family. Thank you for every smile and every moment of joy you have brought us.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy

Tears, Miracles, and Unspeakable Joy

Well today I made my first calls to start the adoption process over again. We aren't officially starting again until November (that's when we are allowed to.) It doesn't sound like much has changed in the process from when we started out two years ago. Making those calls really made me think about the whole journey we have made since we decided on adoption. I was snuggling with Red Fish today and playing with her and it just hit me over and over what a miracle she is in our lives. The joy of motherhood cannot be put down in words but every day I am grateful for it. Today as I looked at those chubby hands waving at me as she slowly destructed most of the rooms in our house and I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with gratitude and reflect on the tears, miracles, and unspeakable joy I have experienced in this journey so far.

The decision to adopt wasn't really a hard one for us. Our family has been blessed by adoption so many times that it just seemed natural. It was something Two Fish and I had even discussed before we got married. In fact as a small child through most of my teens, I used to claim that all of my kids were going to be adopted. I think in some ways I was always prepared for my kids to be a gift from angels. I was so so ready for kids too. In fact I was a bit obsessed.

I remember the day we decided that we wanted off the whole pregnant/not pregnant roller coaster. We collected information off the internet and then I called my sister in law L. She has two beautiful kids through the adoption miracle. In a very tearful conversation I expressed all of my frustrations and pain that had accrued from repeatedly trying to stay pregnant. L was very sympathetic and offered to let us come over and talk to her and her hubby about their experiences with adoption. It was so encouraging to hear their stories. I also called my grandparents and heard their stories as well. We read books and talked incessantly about adoption. We felt pretty armed with information and were anxious to start the process.

Unfortunately we ran into many many obstacles. I couldn't seem to get a background check because I had lived in London almost five years before and needed an international background check. It was almost impossible to get. I felt all of this pressure to hurry the process because I just knew our baby was coming and SOON. In fact, I was totally convinced there were two babies on the way which made absolutely no sense.

Five and a half months later we were no closer to getting on the waiting list. Nobody could help us. None of questions could be answered and I was getting seriously upset. Then our lives got very movie of the week. My parents were traveling and my Dad was involved in a freak accident. (It's pretty distinctive and would probably blow whatever semblance of privacy I try to maintain on my blog- but needless to say he was attacked by a wild animal.) He sustained a broken femur and was in a hospital in the rain forest. For a very dramatic week he teetered on the brink of death. Third world health care and disease became a reality for our family. I think I felt the full weight of my adulthood for the first time. Trying to help coordinate his rescue and the family phone tree was daunting. For the first time in my life I didn't have my parents to lean on in crisis. His survival and the outpouring of love we received from friends, family, neighbors, and the LDS church around the world was the first miracle we experienced in 2007. It is when I truly realized how intimately involved in our lives our Heavenly Father is. There is no logical reason why my Dad survived.

The day after we got my Dad back into the US I called my sister in law L again. She encouraged me to take some drastic action with our adoption because I felt so strongly that our baby was coming. I called the new branch and they were having their adoption education classes that very night (they are only available every 6 months and are a requirement to adopt.) I assured them we would be there no matter what we had to do to get there. The education classes were wonderful. I loved hearing the stories of people from all sides of adoption.

Then my grandmother had a terrible fall and broke many of the bones on one side of her face. It was back to hospital visits for my family. Many of my memories from the first half of 2007 are not exactly fond ones.

The adoption process sped up dramatically after our switch. The day we found out we were approved and our adoption profile had gone live I found out I was pregnant- AGAIN. This was very confusing for me. Obviously the pregnancy didn't work out but it did make me rely on the Lord again. Also within days of our profile going live we were contacted by Red Fish's birth mom. She was looking for the right couple to place Red Fish with. We began emailing back and forth with her.

We also made our first adoption- our dog Blue Fish. His role as our first little baby has been an important one in our family. He has provided love, comfort, and entertainment for all of us during a very crazy time in our lives. Two Fish bought him for me as a mother's day present in May of 2007.

Shortly after we were approved for adoption we had an opportunity come up rather suddenly to go on a life changing trip to Bikini Atoll. It might sound strange but seeing an touching this piece of history really was a miracle for me. The insights it gave me into myself really touched my life in ways I can't totally explain. When we came home I made some major career decisions that left me self employed entirely for the first time in years.

When we returned from Bikini Atoll we received an email notifying us that a birth mother had picked us for adoption. It was proceeded in a flurry of emails to a new birth mother who we hadn't had any previous contact with. For the next two months we wrote back and forth with her and flew to Texas to meet her. We were encouraged to cut off contact with the other birth mothers who were emailing us because we had been selected for adoption. I just never felt right about cutting off contact with one really special woman who turned out to be Red Fish's birth mother. We told her about the upcoming adoption but we all agreed to keep up our emails in order to support her in the process of choosing a family.

In August we got a call that our son had been born. Unfortunately this quick joy was to be followed by many other emotions. Ultimately we went to Texas but came home empty handed and heart broken. To be honest I'm not sure I will ever totally get over this. It was the lowest point I have ever reached. The happy part of the story is that we sent an email to Red Fish's birth mom and told her our adoption had failed. She had never picked another couple because she always felt like we were the ones she was looking for. She officially "picked us" a couple weeks later and we drove to Idaho to meet her. She was a miracle in our lives. The respect I have for birth mothers cannot be described. I think people who haven't been deeply affected by adoption don't realize the love it takes for a birth mother to place. The true miracle of adoption is the love on all sides that embrace a child. I have never experienced anything more Christlike.

Red Fish's entry into our lives has been a miracle. The day she was placed in our arms I knew she was a gift. It was like I had been experiencing all of this pressure that a baby was coming.  A specific baby.  When I held her that first time I recognized her immediately as the exact baby I had been waiting for.  She was immediately mine, our hearts already bound together.  Love at first sight. Taking her to our little hotel room was overwhelming and beautiful and scary and wonderful. That first week that the three of us spent together was one of the sweetest of my life. We sat in a little hotel, just the three of us for a whole week until Two Fish had to go back to work. I spent her second week waiting for a call that I could go home and sitting on my Mom's college roommate's couch holding my precious baby and admiring her tiny parts. The next couple of months I think I spent most of my time sitting on my couch and holding her like she might disappear if I let go. My ward threw me an incredible shower and the amount of encouragement, love, gifts, etc. that we received was nothing short of overwhelming. The kindness of our friends and family has been yet another miracle. (Are you getting tired of that word? I can't think of another suitable to describe our experience.)

Our temple sealing was the culminating miracle of our adoption journey (although I know we will see many more in our journey as a family.)

Entering the adoption process again is overwhelming, terrifying sometimes, but I have to concentrate on the miracles it opens us up to. Everyday is a step towards bringing that baby into our family. We rely on the love and kindness of others. We embrace other people's freedom of choice and we surrender our ability to control the situation. Thank you to those who have supported us and carried us through these last couple years. We love you.

My New Full Time Job

My new round the clock job lately has been trying to secure an identity for my daughter. You know, birth certificate, social security number, passport etc. Apparently it's much easier to steal someone else's identity than to get one of your own. I spend most of my days calling government offices, waiting in line and pleading for someone to give me information. I ask you- should it really be this hard?

A Truly Perfect Weekend- The Beginning of Forever

This was really a wonderful weekend for us. Yesterday we took Red Fish to the Temple. We were sealed together as a family for all eternity. The joy I feel at knowing Red Fish is my daughter for eternity is beyond measure. She has been a true miracle in our lives and I couldn’t possibly love her more than I do. We couldn’t have asked for everything to go more perfectly. When we first walked into the temple the workers took Red Fish to the nursery to be dressed. Two Fish went with a worker to get ready and I went with my Mom and Mother in Law to get dressed.

We had some friends and family with us in the sealing room. Both my Mom and Mother in Law held Red Fish (They had us ask someone to hold her and hold her hand on ours on the alter.) Our sealer, was Dad’s mission president in Sweden. He sealed Two Fish and I when we were married. The sealer's health is not good because he has Parkinson's so he told us it was very special to seal us because it is probably the last one he will do. He waited in a smaller sealing room with the two of us until all the guests were seated. After we went into the sealing room the workers brought Red Fish in. I think everyone in the room gasped a little when she came in. She just looked like an angel who knew we were all waiting for her arrival. We bought her a really beautiful dress but there was something about her expression that was just perfect. She was so happy and glowing. The sealing ceremony is very short but the entire time she just smiled like she knew exactly what was happening. When the sealer talked about her Dad she looked at her Dad. When the sealer talked about her Mom she looked at her me. It was very sweet. Nothing can break this sealing. It is binding for eternity. We thought that was pretty poignant. The spirit that was in the room was almost overwhelming. I wish I could know what Red Fish saw because I’m sure she saw angels.

We took a bunch of pictures after the ceremony with our family in front of the temple. My lovely friend N took them so I will post them as soon as I can. I haven’t seen them yet. It was really wonderful weather so hopefully we got some good ones. After pictures we went to dinner for grandma’s birthday. Then we went home to get the house ready for today and make some breakfast casseroles.

Then Today Two Fish blessed and named Red Fish in church. He gave her a really beautiful blessing. He blessed her to know how loved she is and for many good things in her life. Red Fish wore the same dress and looked so beautiful. She was so sweet and good for the whole thing. When Two started the blessing she reached up and grabbed his lips. She had her headband in her mouth by the time they finished but she was SO GOOD. We couldn’t have asked for everything to go better.

After church we had both of our extended families over to our house (around 40 people in a small house) for brunch. The kids all ate on a blanket in the backyard and were really well behaved so it went well.

After everyone left we went to my Mom and Dad’s house (we took our dog over there this morning to keep him out of trouble.) We played in the grass with the dogs much to Red Fish’s delight. Then we swung in the big hammock and ate some lunch. We had a really lovely leisurely day. I even went on a ride with J on his new motorcycle. It was a little scary. Then we just kind of napped and played. It was a truly wonderful day. Can it possibly get any better than this?

It's Official!!!

Today we went to court and FINALIZED OUR ADOPTION!!! It's been such a good day. It's so nice to know we finally have legal custody of Red Fish. It's a wonderful feeling! The judge swore us in and then our lawyer questioned us and our case worker. Then the judge went through the paperwork and approved our adoption. One Fish's Mom came with us. Then we went and applied for a passport for Red Fish. Poor baby had a long day. She kept falling asleep while they were trying to take her passport photo.

Answers to Some Questions

First of all we just wanted to thank everyone for the incredible amount of love we have received recently from all of our family/neighbors/friends. It's been pretty amazing. We are truly honored to have such wonderful people in our lives.

So here are the answers to some questions we get asked alot-

How are things going with Red Fish?
So wonderful! We love her more than we even knew we would! I can't imagine a more beautiful wonderful daughter. Everyday just gets to be more fun. I could go on an on about this.

When can we apply for adoption again?
The agency we went through will allow us to start to file our paper work one year after Red Fish's birth. Yes we plan to do so as soon as we can! There is no way of knowing ahead of time how long it will take for us to be placed with a second time. If by chance we were to find a birth mom who wanted to place with us before the year mark we could get permission to go ahead with it. I'm not sure if that happens alot though.

When do we get to be sealed to/bless Red Fish?
Six months after her birth. We are getting very excited for this.

Can people talk to us about adoption?
We have learned alot through the whole adoption process and we would be happy to share some of our experience with anyone who is interested in adoption. The end result of our adoption process has been just wonderful! We are very familiar with many of the ups and downs of the process but trust me it ends on an up and up and up.

And a non-adoption question
When is brother J coming home?
FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY! I'm just a little bit excited.

11.22.07 Homecoming!

Is there any better day for a homecoming than Thanksgiving? We have so much to be thankful for this year! It's so good to be home and it's so fun to show Red Fish off.

Homecoming!

We are so happy to be home with our family and friends!

Meeting our dog Blue Fish- this introduction has gone really well. Blue Fish now guards her crib (Lies down below it and paces around any guests who hold little Red Fish) and comes flying to get us if she even makes a peep. I don't think he totally understand what Red Fish is yet but he knows she is really important. It's pretty cute.

Family meeting Asia




My Dad meeting his first little grandchild. He was so excited.



















Two Fish's Mom- the proud Grandma- and Red Fish's cousin. She just kept running circles around us saying "Baby baby baby" and clapping her hands.
















Our family and neighbors decorated the outside of our house with signs, hearts, balloons, drawings, and bows. We were definitely welcomed home.

















Cousin love.






























Cousins - they couldn't stop saying: "Oh our new baby is SO CUTE!" It's cute because they think she is their baby too. One of my nieces keeps saying: "Aunt One Fish is going to share her baby with me."














Two Fish's Sister and her husband.














Two Fish's brother and his wife holding Red Fish.

We can't thank our sweet neighbors enough from bring Red Fish and I home. It brought us home that much sooner and we are so happy to be here.

11.21.07 Still In Idaho

Red Fish and I are still in Idaho. She is being really good and I'm enjoying having her to myself but I'm really ready to go home. Our friends here are being so good to us and they have really made this extended time in Idaho nice for us.