Alright here it is... the news.

Well as most people who read this blog probably know, I'm pregnant. It feels strange to even type that and put it out there. It's something I kind of thought I would never announce.

So far it's been a pretty huge roller coaster of emotion. I'm so grateful to be pregnant and for the prospect of a child coming into our family. I feel like I've been at battle for a long time (I know everybody doesn't think it sounds like a long time but trust me- it's a long time) trying to get our kids here. I've felt the pressure of feeling like my kids were on their way and sometimes driven myself crazy trying to figure out what's our next move to try and get them here. We were so lucky to have Red Fish come into our family the way she did. I've finally come to the point where I've just stopped trying to figure out my next move is. I've finally learned (after having it beat into my head seven times) that it isn't up to me. I have to put it in the Lord's hands and concentrate on how lucky and blessed I am.

It's been scary because this isn't my first pregnancy and it's been hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that we might actually have a baby by giving birth. So far it's been lucky #7. I've been afraid to dig out my pregnancy books because there are too many bad associations with them. I've packed them up too many times. Every little cramp or weird feeling sends me to the verge of panic. My very kind doctor has me come every one or two weeks and the sound of that heartbeat (yes the first baby heartbeat I've ever heard) fills me with such relief I can hardly explain it.

Yesterday, I went to the doctor and they spent 15 minutes searching for the heartbeat with no luck. Part of me was on the verge of seizure but the bigger part of me knew it was going to be okay this time. This pregnancy has been different right from the start (my first positive home pregnancy test) and I'm finally starting to accept the idea that this whole experience is going to be different.

Here's the best part about what feels like a very long strange journey so far into motherhood. As my OB put it, I now understand in a way that few women probably do what a miracle motherhood is. I don't take it for granted or think it's a given that children will come into my family. I really know what a beautiful, rare, and special gift it is when kids come into your family and how special the different ways they arrive are. Red Fish has been the most amazing gift and I don't think I will ever stop looking at her and be overwhelmed with gratitude and awe that I am her mother. So maybe that's the best lesson in all of this. At the end of even the hardest day I will look at my kids and really know how special they really are and maybe I can push myself that much harder to deserve such beautiful gifts.