Closing A Chapter And Moving On To The Next

I have all but abandoned this blog, which makes me sad because it has been such a great way of tracking the milestones in our family and staying in touch with friends. I did go back and add pictures of our summer for my future blog book. I just haven't known what to say in a long time.  It felt dishonest to just keep cataloging the pictures and say nothing of what has been going on in my head.  I wasn't sure I wanted to share or that it was even apropriate to do so on a public forum but I have decided that the experience has been too isolating and that maybe there are other people out there who can relate to what I've been through and who would like to know that they are not alone in their experience.  I've also felt incredibly guilty at the enormity of my grief when I am so keenly aware of the struggles those around me are experiencing on their journey through the thorny path.  I feel guitly that the last few months have been so hard when I know so many people going through things that sound harder. It feels wrong to be so upset by infertility and the pain it causes because I have already been blessed by two miracles.  I may regret this post and remove it.  I don't know.

I was taking fertility treatments, maintaining a very strict gluten free diet and trying all sorts of things in order to have a baby. I knew my chances weren't great and I thought I knew what I was facing if it didn't work out in the end.  I think I had almost convinced myself that my fertility issues weren't that big a deal and that I had dramatized them in my head. I didn't want to feel like I gave up when I feel so driven to bring another child into our family.  The adoption route was not working out and birth seemed like the easiest option.

When discussing the idea of when the soul enters the body with friends recently, one of them mentioned that some of the stem cell researchers she knows believe that at 18 days gestation there is a presence that can't be denied and they won't touch them after that.  I definitely believe that the soul enters the body fairly early on but I can't decide if the idea of the soul entering that early is a beautiful thought or completely horrifying in every way.  The idea of that many children waiting for me on the other side is crushing and comforting at the same time.

You would think that after so many miscarriages I would pretty much know the drill.  I would have thought that they would all begin to feel the same.  It isn't true. This late stage miscarriage and the agonizing weeks leading up to it threatened to push me off a cliff I had only peered over before.  The deep chasm of grief that comes from losing a child is something that I still have only hung onto the edge of.  I have spent a lot of time thinking about the people around me and their experiences. This loss was so tangible and potent that it really knocked me down.  It was a before and after event.  Like I blew a hole in everything I knew before.  My life feels like it will always be categorized into before and after.

I know what it feels like to be angry that the sun still comes up and that people still resume their normal day to day.  The world can't stop for everyone's grief or it would never turn again. I feel ungrateful for even wishing it would stop for a moment because I have a great life.

Time has a way of dulling pain and it has definitely healed many of my previous wounds but this one has left a scar that my life will have to grow around.  It already has begun to grow around it, which I guess is itself a kind of healing. Will I ever be the same?  Probably not, but I'm learning that is okay.

For the first few months I felt like parts of myself had come untethered.  Like I needed to run around and strap all the bits of my heart back down.  The moments in which I felt truly like myself were few and far between and I began tracking them.  Watching the expression on my kids faces at Mary Poppins.  Doing a puzzle with New Fish. Playing in the pool with my girls and nephew.  Now I am starting to feel more like myself.  Spending time drawing and painting with the girls, practicing piano and reading with Red Fish and trying to keep up with New Fish's new OBSESSION with learning to read.  I doubt they even realized what a disruption to our normal rhythm occurred this summer.  We had a very relaxed summer and that was probably good for all of us.  My greatest calling in life is definitely to be the mother of these two special little spirits.  I never stop thinking that.  Other areas of my life have been chaos but the mothering just continues every moment of every day.  I love that.

This week has reached a final climax.  We've been reliving 2007 around here. My Dad had another broken femur in a foreign country and had to be taken by air ambulance for surgery.  My grandmother had another fall and ended up in an ER again.  I lost babies.  And this time instead of my Mom having a hysterectomy (I guess she couldn't really do that again) I had one.  There is a kind of peace that comes with that in knowing that a chapter has closed and I need/get to move on.  I have spent the last week sleeping and feel like I could use another week of sleep.

There is a part of me that thinks that if we are going relive all of the nasty parts of 2007 can't we get a baby at the end of it like last time? 

Dr. Red Fish checking up on me.  She asked the surgeon for pictures of my organs and studied them afterwards.  She is our little scientist for sure.

Love At First Sight- Again

For love stories 1 & 2 see my previous posts.

The short version of our family love story would be-

One Fish met Two Fish and they were best friends.  They fell in love and became a family.  They knew there were kids coming but they never knew when or where or how.  They met Red Fish through the help of angels and it was love at first sight.  They all fell in love and became a family.  Then 22 months later, New Fish was born and it was love at first sight all over again.  We all fell in love and became a family again.  Everyday we love each other a little bit more and it never ends.

That short version can't encompass the details but neither can the long version.

There is something about the way my girls smile at me that melts my heart on a daily basis.  I wonder how they got so cute. I wonder about how I got so lucky. I wonder why I am so blessed to be their Mom.  My girls arrived in different ways but that moment of holding them for the first time was the same.  That first moment of recognition was exactly the same for both children.  That first few days of total wonderment of examining their feet and studying their little face was the same. It didn't matter if we started in a hotel room or a hospital room.  Those feelings of complete awe were the same.  Waking up every day to be with them is a joy.  Even when I get major Mommy burn out, there is something about their earnest little faces that turns it all around and totally melts me. 

I counted down the days to Red Fish's first birthday so that we could start our adoption paper work over.  I was feeling that familiar pressure that another baby was headed our direction.  The adoption paperwork process is a lot of work.  It takes organization and appointments and hours to fill out questionaires and pages of your most personal information. You have interviews about the state of your marriage, a home check to see the state of your house, financial checks, background checks etc.  I barreled through like a woman on a mission and I handed over our check.  My baby was coming.  This was the way to get babies into our family.  We were approved in December of 2008.

Of course, Heavenly Father has a sense of humor and just when I thought I had the plan figured out- he reminded me that I am not the one in control.

Two Fish's whole family had a slumber party at our house for New Years Eve .  I spent the night on the bathroom floor sick as a dog.  That was when I realized I was probably pregnant. This would be pregnancy number seven for me. I bought a home pregnancy test out of habbit, not because I actually expected it to work.  Usually, I had to go to the doctor for a blood test.  When the test was positive I was more than a little shocked.  That should have been my first clue that things were different for once. 

I was afraid to dig out my pregnancy books because there are too many bad associations with them. I had packed them up too many times. Every little cramp or weird feeling sent me to the verge of panic.  I was a total mess. It didn't feel real at all.

The first time I heard New Fish's heartbeat I actually screamed.  It was my first baby heartbeat.  I scared the ultrasound tech to death.  Every single week they would struggle to find her on the doppler and I would always end up with an ultrasound and I would sob when they found the heartbeat.

I started going in for ultrasounds every other week and I had to give myself twice daily injections of heparin.  The first time I had to stick myself I cried and cried.  My Dad called and said that if I couldn't do it in the next five minutes he would come over and do it.  That inspired me to do it because I was afraid of having someone else do it.  Eventually, it wasn't a big deal at all. I threw up at least once almost everyday the entire time I was pregnant.  I thought for sure once I passed the first trimester that it would end.  I thought for sure after she was born it would end but I threw up for three more months.  I remember waving to some of my neighbors after I had just puked in my front yard for the third day in a row.  They probably thought there was something seriously wrong with me or that I was some kind of drunk.

Looking back it was actually a very lovely time. I felt so completely connected to the miracle of motherhood.  There is something humbling and beautiful about truly knowing what a special gift children are.   I felt wrapped up in this giant bubble of love that I would be able to experience two different ways of having a child arrive.  I felt overwhelmed that I was lucky enough to be entrusted with two little spirits.  Red Fish was little and cuddly and still napped, which was great because I was so tired.  It was kind of like life came to a grinding halt and all I could do was concentrate on getting this little life here.  (Well besides attempting to keep the house, work some and take care of my one year old!)  It was exciting and exhausting.

31 weeks

Pains

Pain
Pain stayed so long I said to him today,
"I will not have you with me any more."
I stamped my foot and said, "Be on your way."
And paused there, startled as the look he wore,
"I, who have been your friend," he said to me,
"I, who have been your teacher---all you know
Of understanding love, of sympathy,
And patience, I have taught you. Shall I go?"
He spoke the truth, this strange unwelcome guest;
I watched him leave, and knew that he was wise,
He left a heart grown tender in my breast,
He left a far, clear vision in my eyes.
I dried my tears, and lifted up a song---
Even for one who'd tortured me so long.
 
Written By,
Spencer W. Kimball

I went to a class a week or so ago that was put on by two grief conselors.  They gave really fabulous talks on how to talk to people who are going through hard things like the loss of a loved one, infertility, depression and many other difficult circumstances. Because let's face it- we've all said something incredibly stupid to someone in pain at some point.  I think back on things I have said and thought were comforting and cringe. The couple teaching the class listed quotes and scriptures that are comforting and basically said that  the best thing you can say to someone in pain is: "I'm sorry.  How can I help you."  No - "This must have happened for a reason."  Or, "it wasn't meant to be." etc.  No accidental judgment attached to the comfort.


I have spent a serious amount of time over the last few years thinking about some of the difficult things the people around me are going through and trying to learn how to be there for them in a more considerate of their feelings.  Everyone goes through really tough things and I really want to learn how to be more sympathetic to other people's experiences.  I think I've made a lot of progress over the past few years but I'd like to make more.

I feel like several scars on my heart have formed in the last year. I've had several very healing experiences that have close some wounds.  There has been a remapping of the surface of my heart that I've come to accept and sometimes appreciate.  I realized a few weeks ago, that finally after four years and two children, thinking about our failed adoption in 2007 didn't bring on a soul crushing sadness.  Thinking about our tougher losses didn't stab me through the heart anymore.  It didn't hurt quite like it used to. I daresay, it is just a mild sting now.  He was never even really ours for more than a few hours, although the months leading up to his birth we thought we was ours.  I can't imagine losing a child later down the road into parenthood. I used to think that maybe I had peeked over the edge into the abyss that loss must feel like but now that I feel such healing, I'm not sure I ever had any idea of the depth of that sorrow. I guess I'm just feeling grateful to be in my own shoes, to have the Lord to strengthen me when I fall and to have good people around me.  I'm grateful for the things I've learned and I'm truly hoping to be able to support the people around me like I have been supported in my own trials.

A Baby Story

The short version- Spent Tuesday at the hospital and they sent me home. We went on a long walk and had dinner and my labor started fast and furious. Made it through the first 9 and a half hours with hypnobabies but when I started to need some interventions I decided on an epidural. Our birth plan pretty much became our reverse birth plan. My labor was progressing really well but the baby started to go into distress when the placenta started to die. It was eventually decided that we needed to get her out of there in a hurry and I needed an emergency C-section. The doctors believe that if we had waited even minutes longer she wouldn't have made it. She's tiny but healthy. We weren't sure if she was going to be able to come home with us but we all came home Sunday morning. The birth was a little scary and traumatic but we are feeling so incredibly blessed to have our baby with us and be together.

The really long version- Hopefully it doesn't come off to whiny, I do know how very lucky I am. On Tuesday morning my OB sent me to labor and delivery to have things checked and see if I was in labor. I called Two Fish and my parents. My Dad took Red Fish and my Mom and Two Fish took me to the hospital. They sent me home after a few hours. I was pretty bummed. I thought the baby was coming really soon. So we went home, ate dinner, and went on a really long walk with the dogs. Then I bounced on my exercise ball for almost and hour. Two Fish put Red Fish to bed at 8:30 and nothing was happening. 9:30 rolled around and everything went zero to ninety in what felt like seconds. I'd been having small pressure waves for weeks and I was really expecting things to just kind of gradually start building. I thought the contractions would just start getting stronger and closer together so I would have time to get used to it and concentrate. It didn't happen that way at all. My contractions started really strong and were immediately less than 5 minutes apart. I listened to a couple of my CDs and tried to get into the right mindset. I did my hypnobabies techniques and was able to breathe through the contractions in a way that made things much more comfortable. It was really hard to concentrate and I was pretty much shaking uncontrollably the whole time. (I hear that's pretty common. I pretty much shook until about 4 hours after she was born.)

Just after midnight we called my parents and told them to come over. Two Fish put our stuff in the car (still all packed from that afternoon.) We got to the hospital at just after 1 and my contractions had been two minutes apart for most of an hour. When they checked me they could feel the head and I seemed to be progressing really well. I made it about 9 and half hours with the hypnobabies techniques. When there started be a need for some medical intervention I requested an epidural. It was too hard to concentrate when the stress level in the room was rising and I was exhausted already. I really hated having everyone poking at me.

Really the epidural was lovely. I took a nap. I was able to relax even as every last shred of my modesty was stripped away. The anesthesiologist did a great job and already having it in when I went to the operating room really saved us time in the end.

We had this really detailed birth plan (or rather our ideal birthing scenario) but it sort of turned out to be our reverse plan. We ended up needed every single intervention on our list of things to avoid. It was almost funny after awhile. We could just check everything off the list. Mostly I didn't want the interventions unnecessarily. The doctors were really respectful of our wishes but when it came down to it you just do whatever you can to get that baby out safely.

On the monitors we could see that every time I had a big contraction the baby's heart rate would drop. At first it wasn't a big deal because it was just a quick drop and then pick right up again. They had me roll from side to side and try different positions in case she was leaning on her cord. Then she had a really huge drop (from 150 to 60) and all the sudden everyone was running around the room and I got a shot to stop the contractions. This was our first sign that anything might really be wrong. My contractions started again on their own and New Fish was making her way down. Then the drops in her heart rate started again and she was having a harder and harder time recovering. We decided to try and speed up the process by having my water broken. When they broke my water there was a lot of meconium and signs that the baby was in distress rather than just being stressed. They replaced the fluid with clean fluid to try and give the cord some cushioning and flush out contaminates. They put a heart rate monitor on the baby's head to try and monitor her more closely. We had several doctors checking on us and the room was getting quieter as everyone sat and watched monitors. After awhile I pretty much had every cord and tube they have connected to me. My contractions had to be stopped again and it seemed like the baby was really struggling. The placenta didn't seem to be supporting her anymore. With every contraction (they kept starting back up) the baby seemed to get weaker and have a harder time recovering. They could feel the baby's head and she was getting closer but it just didn't seem to be happening soon enough. They couldn't give me pitocin to speed up the labor because the baby and the placenta were too fragile.

I pretty much knew from all the whispering and the serious expression on the nurses and doctor's faces that we were headed to surgery. When the baby's heart rate dropped to next to nothing it was pretty much "sign this" and we were running down the hall (obviously I was being pushed in my bed.) I spent so much time in my classes discussing how birth is not an emergency and it isn't like the movies but when everyone started running (although they were very calm thankfully) it really did feel that way. It was scary to see everyone running and setting everything up. Nobody had time to talk to me (because they were concentrating on baby as they should be) so my anesthesiologist pretty much talked me through everything. The baby was out within minutes of me signing the release. Two Fish was brought in right as they started the procedure and he held my hand the whole time. When they brought New Fish out she was gray and not breathing. She recovered quickly though and Two Fish was able to hold her. I don't do well with pretty much any kind of drugs so I was totally out of it as soon as she was born. I really wanted to hold her but I couldn't seem to make my arms work. I only kind of remember seeing her. I did know she was safe though. It took me about four hours to shake off the drugs (and stop smacking myself in the face on accident) before I was able to hold her and really look at her.

They think the placenta just failed for some reason and she wasn't getting oxygen. The doctors told me that if we had waited even minutes longer they don't think she would have made it. We have two friends (due within weeks of us) who lost their babies this week. One was a very similar situation. We are overwhelmed with gratitude that we have our sweet baby with us. Life is so fragile and childbirth is a miracle every time. My doctor told me to not feel like I missed out on any of a normal childbirth because I did most of the work of one (I'm not so sure that's a great thing but maybe I will see things differently later.) and now I get to heal from both. I'm not thrilled about the c-section but I am grateful for modern medicine and doctors who took care of us.

One of the reasons I had decided to go natural was that I really wanted to be clear headed when the baby arrived so I could hold her immediately and begin that bonding. I really wanted to be very present for that moment. I'm disappointed that I missed out on that. I wanted New Fish to room in with me and be able to care for her. I had this beautiful image of Two Fish staying in the hospital with me overnight and the two of us caring for her. In reality she has had to be in the nursery a lot because it's too tiring to take care of her by myself. Everyday I got to have her with me (except when I nap) but the nights were too hard. Two Fish was at the hospital as much as possible but needed to work Thursday and Friday so he could take care of us when we came home. I had wanted him to stay that first night but the I couldn't bear the thought of my poor exhausted husband sleeping in this lame chair they left for him. (Seriously why can't they have something better for the poor daddies?)

New Fish is pretty small so she's had a hard time keeping her temperature up. We thought she was headed to the nicu several times and we didn't think she'd be able to come home with us. She's apparently inherited the stubborn streak from both her father and I though because she is tough. She's fighting it out. We have to make sure she wears a onsie, outfit, blankie, and hat at all times. (This is a little hard because Red Fish hates for New Fish to wear a hat. She likes to rub her little head so she is always stealing the hat.)

I'm worried about taking care of Red Fish over the next six weeks that I'm not allowed to lift anything over 10 pounds. How do you take care of a one year old that way? She keeps wanting me to pick her up and help her with things and doesn't understand when I can't. It's overwhelming. I'm really lucky to have a lot of nice family around to help me. Every time I hold my girls I know it's going to be okay and I won't feel like this forever. I know a lot of people do this all the time.

I've been pretty hormonal and emotional. My Dad was the first person to come to the hospital after I'd been there overnight and I pretty much just burst into tears because I hadn't seen the baby yet and I was so happy to see my Dad. I think I scared him a little. I think I cried every time Two Fish had to leave the hospital. Now that I'm home I'm feeling better. I like being with my husband and my girls. We've had a lot of family visit us which has been great. We are feeling extra loved.

Mostly the bottom line is this. I am the lucky lucky mom of two beautiful girls. We are all healthy and doing well. I am so incredibly blessed to have these beautiful spirits entrusted to my care. Every time I hold little New Fish I am blown away by what a miracle and a gift she is. I'm counting my blessings over and over.

My thoughts on Hypnobabies-

It was great. It taught me relaxation techniques that I can totally use in everyday life. I've always been a bit of a stressball and at the beginning of my pregnancy I was really kind of freaking out. I couldn't stop obsessing with something being wrong with the baby. For example, I had to go buy syringes for my heprin shots and I could either buy a pack of 7 and come back (which would be really inconvenient because not every pharmacy has heprin and I had to do two shots a day) or I could buy the big box of 100 that would last me a month. There was no in between. I had this huge crisis whether I should spend $35 on the box of 100 or just wait and see if this pregnancy would stick. It was this massive dilemma for me. It took a huge leap of faith to buy the big box. My OB told me I really needed to find a way to relax or I was going to hurt the baby. So that's why I decided to take Hypnobabies. I had no interest in natural childbirth (although I'm really trying to be more open to new ideas.)

The class totally changed my perspective. I did decide that natural child birth was my plan A. It's kind of an intense class. There are CDs you listen to daily, scripts you read with your husband, and 6 weeks of three hour classes. I got a lot of great information and felt really prepared for birth. It took away a lot of my fears.

The best part of this class was probably the support of my husband. Having him spend so much time practicing with me and reading me scripts and helping me prepare for birth was amazing. He really put a lot of effort into our preparations and that made me feel so incredibly loved and supported. I never felt alone in the pregnancy or like "I'm carrying this baby for nine months and what the heck do you have to do?" (Sometimes I did want to say that just because I was cranky and feeling sorry for myself.) I think the class really helped prepare Two Fish for the birthing experience. He was great during the whole labor and delivery. He did everything I could have wanted him to and knew exactly what to say and do to help me relax. He was really calm even when things got intense. (And no I never screamed "You did this to me!" like they do on tv.)

Could I have made it through birth natural? I think the techniques worked well right up until I need some interventions. I don't think I could personally have handled them without the epidural. Just too many people poking at me. I did really love the classes though and they did a lot for us.

Sisters

Red Fish has had a hard time with this baby stuff. She hasn't been sleeping well for a couple weeks. She is really really mad that mommy hasn't been home for a few days. This is the longest I've ever been away and Red Fish does not appreciate it. She has come to visit several times and she won't look at me or sit by me. She has been slightly interested in the baby. She's given her a few kisses and pats. Coming to the hospital is hard because there are too many rules and too many no nos. Too many buttons she isn't allowed to push, the floor is dirty, the garbage cans are everywhere and gross and Mommy is being a little uptight. So today we tried to make her feel extra special. Two Fish dressed her in her special "Big Sister" shirt and we made a really big deal about her coming to visit. Then just when things were unraveling a bit Aunt L showed up with some cousins. Things went much much better today. Hopefully the adjustment will get easier at home.

I'm supposed to take a couple walks up and down the halls so I've been taking Red Fish with me. First so we could have a few moments just she and I (so maybe she wouldn't be so mad with me) but then yesterday we took the baby. We have to wheel her around because you aren't allowed to carry the babies in the hospital. Red Fish LOVES pushing the baby around. It was the first thing she wanted to do when she got here today. She has to take all of the balloons from the room with us as well so we are quite a sight coming down the hall.
Red Fish has been wanting to hold the baby but she didn't want anyone to help her so it wasn't working out well. I kept trying to get her to sit next to me but she wouldn't. Finally we got her to lay on my hospital bed and then we set New Fish on her. It was a hit! A little bit of sister magic. Red Fish thought it was really funny to laugh and make New Fish bounce up and down on her tummy a little. She kept patting her head and giving her kisses. Red Fish is very interested in all of New Fish's tiny parts and really loves her hair.
New Fish was getting a little freaked out by the flash but Red Fish couldn't get enough pictures taken. She kept signing for us to take more. She was so thrilled to hold New Fish. It was so sweet. I was getting all teary eyed.

New Fish

First moments of life

Emergency C-section. Nothing went according to our plan except the ending up with a healthy baby part. Luckily we are both doing well.Born at 9:54 on September 16th. My grandfather pretty much willed her into arriving on his 85th birthday. She is 5 bs. 14 ounces and 19 inches tall. We had a few scares but we are all here and doing well. Hopefully I will get to go home on Sunday morning. Thanks for all the good wishes!

Ten fingers, ten toes, two eyes and nose. Everything is there including some hair!