Monday, May 12, 2014

Unexpectedly Perfect

If you happen to check this blog regularly you have noticed that it has been a sparse year for blogging.  I try to catch up every couple of months because it forces me to count my blessings, relive the highlights and catalog our family's history.  I've struggled to write much for the past year because it feels so false to catalog all of the wonderful day to day moments and ignore the darkness that seeps into life.  It feels impossible to ignore the heaviest of burdens that fall on all of us at times. 

It has been a rough year.  A year of deep and unrelenting grief. I have struggled to find a place for that grief inside of this very lovely life I live. Denying the time and space for grief only makes it grow.  It has been difficult to share my grief with anyone and there is a sense of guilt that comes from wanting to move on so badly.  It is difficult to carry the burden of missing people who don't exist to anyone but me.  My heart is so full of love for my family and so broken at the same time that it is disorienting and lonely.  I would have thought that I knew everything about the experience of having a miscarriage felt like before this.  I could not have been more wrong.  Separating the devastation of last year's loss with the cumulative weight of all of the others is impossible and ending our family building with such a catastrophic experience is defeating. The physical, emotional and spiritual trauma has been a lot to sort through and I am well aware that I have been far from my best self many times this year.   I'm figuring it out one day at a time.

Mother's Day was an interesting experience this year. We were going to be returning from an out of state wedding early in the morning on so that we could be home for the kids.  I almost wanted to skip mother's day because it felt like an obligation and it was going to be a crazy week.  I had a huge conference I was scrambled to get ready for and I was trying to concentrate on my kids and the normal Mom things.  I was maxed out on stress. Apparently this was the cue for an unexpectedly perfect Mother's Day.  

I got to come home and take a nap. Two Fish made dinner and my kids came home from church happy and excited to see us.  The girls decided to decorate the house with random holiday decorations because it isn't a holiday/party without decor.  Then they wanted to paint everyone's faces.  My parents came over for dinner and had their faces painted.  I got a new picnic basket from my kids and husband.  We had a relaxing dinner, my girls had all kinds of cards and pictures they had made for me.  The we spent the rest of the evening snuggling on the couch.  I felt so incredibly loved and lucky to be their Mom.  There is room for me here in this life.  There is room for me when I fall short of being the Mom I want to be.  There is room for me here when I am broken and room for me as I heal. This sacred space between the walls of our family home is big enough for all of the hurt and love and craziness of life. There is room.


Blogful said...

You have a lot of strength and courage. What a heavy burden you carry with all on your plate. Thanks for this inspiring post.

SquarePeg said...

You are so talented at so many things it takes my breath away, even after knowing you for 25 years. I love you so completely and have incredible respect for you. Thanks for having the courage to put this out there - it's so hard ot admit when you know you are not yourself - it's hard to admit it TO yourself, and even harder to admit it to the people that love you. I will always be by your side my dear. HUP.

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