Orlando

After TEKDiveUSA we headed from Miami to Orlando to stay at the Disney Carribean Beach Resort.  The resort has some really fun pools and its own little beach.  I am exhausted and ready to be with my girls and husband.

Unexpectedly Perfect

If you happen to check this blog regularly you have noticed that it has been a sparse year for blogging.  I try to catch up every couple of months because it forces me to count my blessings, relive the highlights and catalog our family's history.  I've struggled to write much for the past year because it feels so false to catalog all of the wonderful day to day moments and ignore the darkness that seeps into life.  It feels impossible to ignore the heaviest of burdens that fall on all of us at times. 

It has been a rough year.  A year of deep and unrelenting grief. I have struggled to find a place for that grief inside of this very lovely life I live. Denying the time and space for grief only makes it grow.  It has been difficult to share my grief with anyone and there is a sense of guilt that comes from wanting to move on so badly.  It is difficult to carry the burden of missing people who don't exist to anyone but me.  My heart is so full of love for my family and so broken at the same time that it is disorienting and lonely.  I would have thought that I knew everything about the experience of having a miscarriage felt like before this.  I could not have been more wrong.  Separating the devastation of last year's loss with the cumulative weight of all of the others is impossible and ending our family building with such a catastrophic experience is defeating. The physical, emotional and spiritual trauma has been a lot to sort through and I am well aware that I have been far from my best self many times this year.   I'm figuring it out one day at a time.

Mother's Day was an interesting experience this year. We were going to be returning from an out of state wedding early in the morning on so that we could be home for the kids.  I almost wanted to skip mother's day because it felt like an obligation and it was going to be a crazy week.  I had a huge conference I was scrambled to get ready for and I was trying to concentrate on my kids and the normal Mom things.  I was maxed out on stress. Apparently this was the cue for an unexpectedly perfect Mother's Day.  

I got to come home and take a nap. Two Fish made dinner and my kids came home from church happy and excited to see us.  The girls decided to decorate the house with random holiday decorations because it isn't a holiday/party without decor.  Then they wanted to paint everyone's faces.  My parents came over for dinner and had their faces painted.  I got a new picnic basket from my kids and husband.  We had a relaxing dinner, my girls had all kinds of cards and pictures they had made for me.  The we spent the rest of the evening snuggling on the couch.  I felt so incredibly loved and lucky to be their Mom.  There is room for me here in this life.  There is room for me when I fall short of being the Mom I want to be.  There is room for me here when I am broken and room for me as I heal. This sacred space between the walls of our family home is big enough for all of the hurt and love and craziness of life. There is room.

M&M Wedding

  

Two Fish's brother, Uncle M got married and expanded his family and we couldn't be happier for him.  We flew in with all of the O family for the big day.  It was a whirlwind of a trip but worth seeing these two so happy!

 The women of the O family.

 "Unlce Rissa" and I, trying to keep our skirts from blowing away in the wind.

Two Fish and his brothers.

Serious Business

A couple of weeks ago we were in a small donut shop and there was a grease fire that took off when the cook dumped water on it. Now my kids feel the need to advise any eating establishment we frequent with the proper procedure for putting out a grease fire. They are worried the kitchen might burst into flame at any second.

Today was fire safety day at New Fish's preschool and she had a visit from a fire fighter. Tonight's dinner entertainment includes fire safety lessons from a four year old. Nothing like having the whole family stop drop and roll at the dinner table. After dinner she called up various members of our extended family with "important news" about fire safety.  She is a crack up. 

New Fish is still taking her junior ranger duties very seriously.  

Spring Soccer

 Soccer season has begun. Thus far it has been freezing, rained mud, blown sand and snowed. Gotta love Spring soccer. New Fish is still not sure if she is very interested in soccer but she likes being part of a team. Red Fish loves soccer.  She made two goals tonight and was thrilled. Come watch soccer in the Fall.  The weather is friendlier in the Fall. We are freezing.

Home Sweet Home

We took a drive past Two Fish's old bachelor pad the other day. Two Fish lived there while we were dating and engaged. It made me smile to think of all of the memories we have in this disgusting little house.  Two Fish had to sign a waiver in order to live there.  It had visible mold growing on the walls.  The floor squished.  It was beyond disgusting. It has been condemned but not demolished.

 We also drove past the first apartment we lived in after we got married.  It was tiny. It was dark. It was home for a year.

Grandma's Concert

Grandma sings in a local choir and the girls have always wanted to go hear her perform.  Lucky for all of us the choir hosted a children's concert complete with puppets.  These four crazies had a pretty great time at the concert followed by a trip to the creamery.

Little Climbers

Our friends the Buddies invite us to do all kinds of really fun things.  They took us climbing at a climbing gym and the girls are never going to stop asking to go back. Because I am actually posting this a month late I can tell you that they have been literally trying to climb the walls lately and they ask constantly to go rock climbing. They have driven me a little crazy with their sudden need to climb everything in sight.

It has been years since I have been climbing and it was fun to go back to a gym.  It was also disturbing because climbing used to be so much easier.  It seems that I have aged. The kids took right to climbing.  Red Fish would only go about 3/4 of the way up the big climbing wall but she did it about 20 times. New Fish preferred the bouldering wall and went across it for a couple of hours. It was fun to see their excitement and determination. I would love to find a way to include more climbing in our life.

 While we were at the climbing gym, New Fish befriended a little girl about twice her age.  This seems to happen almost everyplace we go recently. If there is anyone within five years of New Fish's age she immediately introduces herself and strikes up a conversation. Red Fish usually joins in the fun but New Fish is unafraid of approaching new children. She always introduces me to her "new best friends."

Happy Kids & Sprinklers

Little Baker

Giraffe Report

 The biggest project in kindergarten this year was an animal report.  They had to do a written report with a picture and then present the report in front of their class.  Red Fish was so cute while working on her report.  She spent so much time writing the report that I finally had to cut her off.  She would have written ten pages about giraffes.  I absolutely adore how her picture turned out.  She is really starting to have some drawing skills. I was really impressed with the final product. I was lucky enough to be volunteering in her classroom when she presented so I got to hear her presentation.

Biker Babe

She has upgraded to the "big girl bike."  Nothing will stop her now. Next we will try to ditch the training wheels!