Closing A Chapter And Moving On To The Next

I have all but abandoned this blog, which makes me sad because it has been such a great way of tracking the milestones in our family and staying in touch with friends. I did go back and add pictures of our summer for my future blog book. I just haven't known what to say in a long time.  It felt dishonest to just keep cataloging the pictures and say nothing of what has been going on in my head.  I wasn't sure I wanted to share or that it was even apropriate to do so on a public forum but I have decided that the experience has been too isolating and that maybe there are other people out there who can relate to what I've been through and who would like to know that they are not alone in their experience.  I've also felt incredibly guilty at the enormity of my grief when I am so keenly aware of the struggles those around me are experiencing on their journey through the thorny path.  I feel guitly that the last few months have been so hard when I know so many people going through things that sound harder. It feels wrong to be so upset by infertility and the pain it causes because I have already been blessed by two miracles.  I may regret this post and remove it.  I don't know.

I was taking fertility treatments, maintaining a very strict gluten free diet and trying all sorts of things in order to have a baby. I knew my chances weren't great and I thought I knew what I was facing if it didn't work out in the end.  I think I had almost convinced myself that my fertility issues weren't that big a deal and that I had dramatized them in my head. I didn't want to feel like I gave up when I feel so driven to bring another child into our family.  The adoption route was not working out and birth seemed like the easiest option.

When discussing the idea of when the soul enters the body with friends recently, one of them mentioned that some of the stem cell researchers she knows believe that at 18 days gestation there is a presence that can't be denied and they won't touch them after that.  I definitely believe that the soul enters the body fairly early on but I can't decide if the idea of the soul entering that early is a beautiful thought or completely horrifying in every way.  The idea of that many children waiting for me on the other side is crushing and comforting at the same time.

You would think that after so many miscarriages I would pretty much know the drill.  I would have thought that they would all begin to feel the same.  It isn't true. This late stage miscarriage and the agonizing weeks leading up to it threatened to push me off a cliff I had only peered over before.  The deep chasm of grief that comes from losing a child is something that I still have only hung onto the edge of.  I have spent a lot of time thinking about the people around me and their experiences. This loss was so tangible and potent that it really knocked me down.  It was a before and after event.  Like I blew a hole in everything I knew before.  My life feels like it will always be categorized into before and after.

I know what it feels like to be angry that the sun still comes up and that people still resume their normal day to day.  The world can't stop for everyone's grief or it would never turn again. I feel ungrateful for even wishing it would stop for a moment because I have a great life.

Time has a way of dulling pain and it has definitely healed many of my previous wounds but this one has left a scar that my life will have to grow around.  It already has begun to grow around it, which I guess is itself a kind of healing. Will I ever be the same?  Probably not, but I'm learning that is okay.

For the first few months I felt like parts of myself had come untethered.  Like I needed to run around and strap all the bits of my heart back down.  The moments in which I felt truly like myself were few and far between and I began tracking them.  Watching the expression on my kids faces at Mary Poppins.  Doing a puzzle with New Fish. Playing in the pool with my girls and nephew.  Now I am starting to feel more like myself.  Spending time drawing and painting with the girls, practicing piano and reading with Red Fish and trying to keep up with New Fish's new OBSESSION with learning to read.  I doubt they even realized what a disruption to our normal rhythm occurred this summer.  We had a very relaxed summer and that was probably good for all of us.  My greatest calling in life is definitely to be the mother of these two special little spirits.  I never stop thinking that.  Other areas of my life have been chaos but the mothering just continues every moment of every day.  I love that.

This week has reached a final climax.  We've been reliving 2007 around here. My Dad had another broken femur in a foreign country and had to be taken by air ambulance for surgery.  My grandmother had another fall and ended up in an ER again.  I lost babies.  And this time instead of my Mom having a hysterectomy (I guess she couldn't really do that again) I had one.  There is a kind of peace that comes with that in knowing that a chapter has closed and I need/get to move on.  I have spent the last week sleeping and feel like I could use another week of sleep.

There is a part of me that thinks that if we are going relive all of the nasty parts of 2007 can't we get a baby at the end of it like last time? 

Dr. Red Fish checking up on me.  She asked the surgeon for pictures of my organs and studied them afterwards.  She is our little scientist for sure.

Love At First Sight- Again

For love stories 1 & 2 see my previous posts.

The short version of our family love story would be-

One Fish met Two Fish and they were best friends.  They fell in love and became a family.  They knew there were kids coming but they never knew when or where or how.  They met Red Fish through the help of angels and it was love at first sight.  They all fell in love and became a family.  Then 22 months later, New Fish was born and it was love at first sight all over again.  We all fell in love and became a family again.  Everyday we love each other a little bit more and it never ends.

That short version can't encompass the details but neither can the long version.

There is something about the way my girls smile at me that melts my heart on a daily basis.  I wonder how they got so cute. I wonder about how I got so lucky. I wonder why I am so blessed to be their Mom.  My girls arrived in different ways but that moment of holding them for the first time was the same.  That first moment of recognition was exactly the same for both children.  That first few days of total wonderment of examining their feet and studying their little face was the same. It didn't matter if we started in a hotel room or a hospital room.  Those feelings of complete awe were the same.  Waking up every day to be with them is a joy.  Even when I get major Mommy burn out, there is something about their earnest little faces that turns it all around and totally melts me. 

I counted down the days to Red Fish's first birthday so that we could start our adoption paper work over.  I was feeling that familiar pressure that another baby was headed our direction.  The adoption paperwork process is a lot of work.  It takes organization and appointments and hours to fill out questionaires and pages of your most personal information. You have interviews about the state of your marriage, a home check to see the state of your house, financial checks, background checks etc.  I barreled through like a woman on a mission and I handed over our check.  My baby was coming.  This was the way to get babies into our family.  We were approved in December of 2008.

Of course, Heavenly Father has a sense of humor and just when I thought I had the plan figured out- he reminded me that I am not the one in control.

Two Fish's whole family had a slumber party at our house for New Years Eve .  I spent the night on the bathroom floor sick as a dog.  That was when I realized I was probably pregnant. This would be pregnancy number seven for me. I bought a home pregnancy test out of habbit, not because I actually expected it to work.  Usually, I had to go to the doctor for a blood test.  When the test was positive I was more than a little shocked.  That should have been my first clue that things were different for once. 

I was afraid to dig out my pregnancy books because there are too many bad associations with them. I had packed them up too many times. Every little cramp or weird feeling sent me to the verge of panic.  I was a total mess. It didn't feel real at all.

The first time I heard New Fish's heartbeat I actually screamed.  It was my first baby heartbeat.  I scared the ultrasound tech to death.  Every single week they would struggle to find her on the doppler and I would always end up with an ultrasound and I would sob when they found the heartbeat.

I started going in for ultrasounds every other week and I had to give myself twice daily injections of heparin.  The first time I had to stick myself I cried and cried.  My Dad called and said that if I couldn't do it in the next five minutes he would come over and do it.  That inspired me to do it because I was afraid of having someone else do it.  Eventually, it wasn't a big deal at all. I threw up at least once almost everyday the entire time I was pregnant.  I thought for sure once I passed the first trimester that it would end.  I thought for sure after she was born it would end but I threw up for three more months.  I remember waving to some of my neighbors after I had just puked in my front yard for the third day in a row.  They probably thought there was something seriously wrong with me or that I was some kind of drunk.

Looking back it was actually a very lovely time. I felt so completely connected to the miracle of motherhood.  There is something humbling and beautiful about truly knowing what a special gift children are.   I felt wrapped up in this giant bubble of love that I would be able to experience two different ways of having a child arrive.  I felt overwhelmed that I was lucky enough to be entrusted with two little spirits.  Red Fish was little and cuddly and still napped, which was great because I was so tired.  It was kind of like life came to a grinding halt and all I could do was concentrate on getting this little life here.  (Well besides attempting to keep the house, work some and take care of my one year old!)  It was exciting and exhausting.

31 weeks

Tears, Miracles & Unspeakable Joy

So I'm feeling nostalgic and sappy this week and decided I need to post all of my love stories. See my previous post for how Two Fish and I met and fell in love. I will post about New Fish's entry into our lives tomorrow.  This is a repost from 2008 but it is my love at first sight story with Red Fish.  She has been asking a lot of questions lately about adoption and it has made me relive those wonderful first moments. We like to tell her that Mommy met Daddy and they fell in love and adopted each other and became a family.  Then we met her, fell in love immediately and we all adopted each other and became a family.

09.02.08-
Well today I made my first calls to start the adoption process over again. We aren't officially starting again until November (that's when we are allowed to.) It doesn't sound like much has changed in the process from when we started out two years ago. Making those calls really made me think about the whole journey we have made since we decided on adoption. I was snuggling with Red Fish today and playing with her and it just hit me over and over what a miracle she is in our lives. The joy of motherhood cannot be put down in words but every day I am grateful for it. Today as I looked at those chubby hands waving at me as she slowly destructed most of the rooms in our house and I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with gratitude and reflect on the tears, miracles, and unspeakable joy I have experienced in this journey so far.

The decision to adopt wasn't really a hard one for us. Our family has been blessed by adoption so many times that it just seemed natural. It was something Two Fish and I had even discussed before we got married. In fact as a small child through most of my teens, I used to claim that all of my kids were going to be adopted. I think in some ways I was always prepared for my kids to be a gift from angels. I was so so ready for kids too. In fact I was a bit obsessed.

I remember the day we decided that we wanted off the whole pregnant/not pregnant roller coaster. We collected information off the internet and then I called my sister in law L. She has two beautiful kids through the adoption miracle. In a very tearful conversation I expressed all of my frustrations and pain that had accrued from repeatedly trying to stay pregnant. L was very sympathetic and offered to let us come over and talk to her and her hubby about their experiences with adoption. It was so encouraging to hear their stories. I also called my grandparents and heard their stories as well. We read books and talked incessantly about adoption. We felt pretty armed with information and were anxious to start the process.

Unfortunately we ran into many many obstacles. I couldn't seem to get a background check because I had lived in London almost five years before and needed an international background check. It was almost impossible to get. I felt all of this pressure to hurry the process because I just knew our baby was coming and SOON. In fact, I was totally convinced there were two babies on the way which made absolutely no sense.

Five and a half months later we were no closer to getting on the waiting list. Nobody could help us. None of questions could be answered and I was getting seriously upset. Then our lives got very movie of the week. My parents were traveling and my Dad was involved in a freak accident. (It's pretty distinctive and would probably blow whatever semblance of privacy I try to maintain on my blog- but needless to say he was attacked by a wild animal.) He sustained a broken femur and was in a hospital in the rain forest. For a very dramatic week he teetered on the brink of death. Third world health care and disease became a reality for our family. I think I felt the full weight of my adulthood for the first time. Trying to help coordinate his rescue and the family phone tree was daunting. For the first time in my life I didn't have my parents to lean on in crisis. His survival and the outpouring of love we received from friends, family, neighbors, and the LDS church around the world was the first miracle we experienced in 2007. It is when I truly realized how intimately involved in our lives our Heavenly Father is. There is no logical reason why my Dad survived.

The day after we got my Dad back into the US I called my sister in law L again. She encouraged me to take some drastic action with our adoption because I felt so strongly that our baby was coming. I called the new branch and they were having their adoption education classes that very night (they are only available every 6 months and are a requirement to adopt.) I assured them we would be there no matter what we had to do to get there. The education classes were wonderful. I loved hearing the stories of people from all sides of adoption.

Then my grandmother had a terrible fall and broke many of the bones on one side of her face. It was back to hospital visits for my family. Many of my memories from the first half of 2007 are not exactly fond ones.

The adoption process sped up dramatically after our switch. The day we found out we were approved and our adoption profile had gone live I found out I was pregnant- AGAIN. This was very confusing for me. Obviously the pregnancy didn't work out but it did make me rely on the Lord again. Also within days of our profile going live we were contacted by Red Fish's birth mom. She was looking for the right couple to place Red Fish with. We began emailing back and forth with her.

We also made our first adoption- our dog Blue Fish. His role as our first little baby has been an important one in our family. He has provided love, comfort, and entertainment for all of us during a very crazy time in our lives. Two Fish bought him for me as a mother's day present in May of 2007.

Shortly after we were approved for adoption we had an opportunity come up rather suddenly to go on a life changing trip to Bikini Atoll. It might sound strange but seeing an touching this piece of history really was a miracle for me. The insights it gave me into myself really touched my life in ways I can't totally explain. When we came home I made some major career decisions that left me self employed entirely for the first time in years.

When we returned from Bikini Atoll we received an email notifying us that a birth mother had picked us for adoption. It was proceeded in a flurry of emails to a new birth mother who we hadn't had any previous contact with. For the next two months we wrote back and forth with her and flew to Texas to meet her. We were encouraged to cut off contact with the other birth mothers who were emailing us because we had been selected for adoption. I just never felt right about cutting off contact with one really special woman who turned out to be Red Fish's birth mother. We told her about the upcoming adoption but we all agreed to keep up our emails in order to support her in the process of choosing a family.

In August we got a call that our son had been born. Unfortunately this quick joy was to be followed by many other emotions. Ultimately we went to Texas but came home empty handed and heart broken. To be honest I'm not sure I will ever totally get over this. It was the lowest point I have ever reached. The happy part of the story is that we sent an email to Red Fish's birth mom and told her our adoption had failed. She had never picked another couple because she always felt like we were the ones she was looking for. She officially "picked us" a couple weeks later and we drove to Idaho to meet her. She was a miracle in our lives. The respect I have for birth mothers cannot be described. I think people who haven't been deeply affected by adoption don't realize the love it takes for a birth mother to place. The true miracle of adoption is the love on all sides that embrace a child. I have never experienced anything more Christlike.

Love at First Sight- 1 day old.

Red Fish's entry into our lives has been a miracle. The day she was placed in our arms I knew she was a gift. It was like I had been experiencing all of this pressure that a baby was coming.  A specific baby.  When I held her that first time I recognized her immediately as the exact baby I had been waiting for.  She was immediately mine, our hearts already bound together.  Love at first sight. Taking her to our little hotel room was overwhelming and beautiful and scary and wonderful. That first week that the three of us spent together was one of the sweetest of my life. We sat in a little hotel, just the three of us for a whole week until Two Fish had to go back to work. I spent her second week waiting for a call that I could go home and sitting on my Mom's college roommate's couch holding my precious baby and admiring her tiny parts. The next couple of months I think I spent most of my time sitting on my couch and holding her like she might disappear if I let go. My ward threw me an incredible shower and the amount of encouragement, love, gifts, etc. that we received was nothing short of overwhelming. The kindness of our friends and family has been yet another miracle. (Are you getting tired of that word? I can't think of another suitable to describe our experience.)


Our temple sealing was the culminating miracle of our adoption journey (although I know we will see many more in our journey as a family.)


Entering the adoption process again is overwhelming, terrifying sometimes, but I have to concentrate on the miracles it opens us up to. Everyday is a step towards bringing that baby into our family. We rely on the love and kindness of others. We embrace other people's freedom of choice and we surrender our ability to control the situation. Thank you to those who have supported us and carried us through these last couple years. We love you.

A Baby Story

The short version- Spent Tuesday at the hospital and they sent me home. We went on a long walk and had dinner and my labor started fast and furious. Made it through the first 9 and a half hours with hypnobabies but when I started to need some interventions I decided on an epidural. Our birth plan pretty much became our reverse birth plan. My labor was progressing really well but the baby started to go into distress when the placenta started to die. It was eventually decided that we needed to get her out of there in a hurry and I needed an emergency C-section. The doctors believe that if we had waited even minutes longer she wouldn't have made it. She's tiny but healthy. We weren't sure if she was going to be able to come home with us but we all came home Sunday morning. The birth was a little scary and traumatic but we are feeling so incredibly blessed to have our baby with us and be together.

The really long version- Hopefully it doesn't come off to whiny, I do know how very lucky I am. On Tuesday morning my OB sent me to labor and delivery to have things checked and see if I was in labor. I called Two Fish and my parents. My Dad took Red Fish and my Mom and Two Fish took me to the hospital. They sent me home after a few hours. I was pretty bummed. I thought the baby was coming really soon. So we went home, ate dinner, and went on a really long walk with the dogs. Then I bounced on my exercise ball for almost and hour. Two Fish put Red Fish to bed at 8:30 and nothing was happening. 9:30 rolled around and everything went zero to ninety in what felt like seconds. I'd been having small pressure waves for weeks and I was really expecting things to just kind of gradually start building. I thought the contractions would just start getting stronger and closer together so I would have time to get used to it and concentrate. It didn't happen that way at all. My contractions started really strong and were immediately less than 5 minutes apart. I listened to a couple of my CDs and tried to get into the right mindset. I did my hypnobabies techniques and was able to breathe through the contractions in a way that made things much more comfortable. It was really hard to concentrate and I was pretty much shaking uncontrollably the whole time. (I hear that's pretty common. I pretty much shook until about 4 hours after she was born.)

Just after midnight we called my parents and told them to come over. Two Fish put our stuff in the car (still all packed from that afternoon.) We got to the hospital at just after 1 and my contractions had been two minutes apart for most of an hour. When they checked me they could feel the head and I seemed to be progressing really well. I made it about 9 and half hours with the hypnobabies techniques. When there started be a need for some medical intervention I requested an epidural. It was too hard to concentrate when the stress level in the room was rising and I was exhausted already. I really hated having everyone poking at me.

Really the epidural was lovely. I took a nap. I was able to relax even as every last shred of my modesty was stripped away. The anesthesiologist did a great job and already having it in when I went to the operating room really saved us time in the end.

We had this really detailed birth plan (or rather our ideal birthing scenario) but it sort of turned out to be our reverse plan. We ended up needed every single intervention on our list of things to avoid. It was almost funny after awhile. We could just check everything off the list. Mostly I didn't want the interventions unnecessarily. The doctors were really respectful of our wishes but when it came down to it you just do whatever you can to get that baby out safely.

On the monitors we could see that every time I had a big contraction the baby's heart rate would drop. At first it wasn't a big deal because it was just a quick drop and then pick right up again. They had me roll from side to side and try different positions in case she was leaning on her cord. Then she had a really huge drop (from 150 to 60) and all the sudden everyone was running around the room and I got a shot to stop the contractions. This was our first sign that anything might really be wrong. My contractions started again on their own and New Fish was making her way down. Then the drops in her heart rate started again and she was having a harder and harder time recovering. We decided to try and speed up the process by having my water broken. When they broke my water there was a lot of meconium and signs that the baby was in distress rather than just being stressed. They replaced the fluid with clean fluid to try and give the cord some cushioning and flush out contaminates. They put a heart rate monitor on the baby's head to try and monitor her more closely. We had several doctors checking on us and the room was getting quieter as everyone sat and watched monitors. After awhile I pretty much had every cord and tube they have connected to me. My contractions had to be stopped again and it seemed like the baby was really struggling. The placenta didn't seem to be supporting her anymore. With every contraction (they kept starting back up) the baby seemed to get weaker and have a harder time recovering. They could feel the baby's head and she was getting closer but it just didn't seem to be happening soon enough. They couldn't give me pitocin to speed up the labor because the baby and the placenta were too fragile.

I pretty much knew from all the whispering and the serious expression on the nurses and doctor's faces that we were headed to surgery. When the baby's heart rate dropped to next to nothing it was pretty much "sign this" and we were running down the hall (obviously I was being pushed in my bed.) I spent so much time in my classes discussing how birth is not an emergency and it isn't like the movies but when everyone started running (although they were very calm thankfully) it really did feel that way. It was scary to see everyone running and setting everything up. Nobody had time to talk to me (because they were concentrating on baby as they should be) so my anesthesiologist pretty much talked me through everything. The baby was out within minutes of me signing the release. Two Fish was brought in right as they started the procedure and he held my hand the whole time. When they brought New Fish out she was gray and not breathing. She recovered quickly though and Two Fish was able to hold her. I don't do well with pretty much any kind of drugs so I was totally out of it as soon as she was born. I really wanted to hold her but I couldn't seem to make my arms work. I only kind of remember seeing her. I did know she was safe though. It took me about four hours to shake off the drugs (and stop smacking myself in the face on accident) before I was able to hold her and really look at her.

They think the placenta just failed for some reason and she wasn't getting oxygen. The doctors told me that if we had waited even minutes longer they don't think she would have made it. We have two friends (due within weeks of us) who lost their babies this week. One was a very similar situation. We are overwhelmed with gratitude that we have our sweet baby with us. Life is so fragile and childbirth is a miracle every time. My doctor told me to not feel like I missed out on any of a normal childbirth because I did most of the work of one (I'm not so sure that's a great thing but maybe I will see things differently later.) and now I get to heal from both. I'm not thrilled about the c-section but I am grateful for modern medicine and doctors who took care of us.

One of the reasons I had decided to go natural was that I really wanted to be clear headed when the baby arrived so I could hold her immediately and begin that bonding. I really wanted to be very present for that moment. I'm disappointed that I missed out on that. I wanted New Fish to room in with me and be able to care for her. I had this beautiful image of Two Fish staying in the hospital with me overnight and the two of us caring for her. In reality she has had to be in the nursery a lot because it's too tiring to take care of her by myself. Everyday I got to have her with me (except when I nap) but the nights were too hard. Two Fish was at the hospital as much as possible but needed to work Thursday and Friday so he could take care of us when we came home. I had wanted him to stay that first night but the I couldn't bear the thought of my poor exhausted husband sleeping in this lame chair they left for him. (Seriously why can't they have something better for the poor daddies?)

New Fish is pretty small so she's had a hard time keeping her temperature up. We thought she was headed to the nicu several times and we didn't think she'd be able to come home with us. She's apparently inherited the stubborn streak from both her father and I though because she is tough. She's fighting it out. We have to make sure she wears a onsie, outfit, blankie, and hat at all times. (This is a little hard because Red Fish hates for New Fish to wear a hat. She likes to rub her little head so she is always stealing the hat.)

I'm worried about taking care of Red Fish over the next six weeks that I'm not allowed to lift anything over 10 pounds. How do you take care of a one year old that way? She keeps wanting me to pick her up and help her with things and doesn't understand when I can't. It's overwhelming. I'm really lucky to have a lot of nice family around to help me. Every time I hold my girls I know it's going to be okay and I won't feel like this forever. I know a lot of people do this all the time.

I've been pretty hormonal and emotional. My Dad was the first person to come to the hospital after I'd been there overnight and I pretty much just burst into tears because I hadn't seen the baby yet and I was so happy to see my Dad. I think I scared him a little. I think I cried every time Two Fish had to leave the hospital. Now that I'm home I'm feeling better. I like being with my husband and my girls. We've had a lot of family visit us which has been great. We are feeling extra loved.

Mostly the bottom line is this. I am the lucky lucky mom of two beautiful girls. We are all healthy and doing well. I am so incredibly blessed to have these beautiful spirits entrusted to my care. Every time I hold little New Fish I am blown away by what a miracle and a gift she is. I'm counting my blessings over and over.

My thoughts on Hypnobabies-

It was great. It taught me relaxation techniques that I can totally use in everyday life. I've always been a bit of a stressball and at the beginning of my pregnancy I was really kind of freaking out. I couldn't stop obsessing with something being wrong with the baby. For example, I had to go buy syringes for my heprin shots and I could either buy a pack of 7 and come back (which would be really inconvenient because not every pharmacy has heprin and I had to do two shots a day) or I could buy the big box of 100 that would last me a month. There was no in between. I had this huge crisis whether I should spend $35 on the box of 100 or just wait and see if this pregnancy would stick. It was this massive dilemma for me. It took a huge leap of faith to buy the big box. My OB told me I really needed to find a way to relax or I was going to hurt the baby. So that's why I decided to take Hypnobabies. I had no interest in natural childbirth (although I'm really trying to be more open to new ideas.)

The class totally changed my perspective. I did decide that natural child birth was my plan A. It's kind of an intense class. There are CDs you listen to daily, scripts you read with your husband, and 6 weeks of three hour classes. I got a lot of great information and felt really prepared for birth. It took away a lot of my fears.

The best part of this class was probably the support of my husband. Having him spend so much time practicing with me and reading me scripts and helping me prepare for birth was amazing. He really put a lot of effort into our preparations and that made me feel so incredibly loved and supported. I never felt alone in the pregnancy or like "I'm carrying this baby for nine months and what the heck do you have to do?" (Sometimes I did want to say that just because I was cranky and feeling sorry for myself.) I think the class really helped prepare Two Fish for the birthing experience. He was great during the whole labor and delivery. He did everything I could have wanted him to and knew exactly what to say and do to help me relax. He was really calm even when things got intense. (And no I never screamed "You did this to me!" like they do on tv.)

Could I have made it through birth natural? I think the techniques worked well right up until I need some interventions. I don't think I could personally have handled them without the epidural. Just too many people poking at me. I did really love the classes though and they did a lot for us.

Maternity Pics- 38 weeks

My sil A took some pictures for me a couple weeks ago. I won't post my favorite one on account of my "belly-phobic" family. =-)

Adventures in the Nesting Habbits of the Insane

When I am really nervous and/or scared of something I prepare like a crazy person. When we first tried to bring kids to our family I read a pre-pregnancy planning book. Then I read pregnancy books and nutrition books. Then when we decided on adoption I called everyone I knew who had adopted. We went to my sil's house and quizzed her and her husband. I got information from every agency I could find. I read books. I read forums. I nested and bought baby stuff. I painted the room with fish and picked out the perfect fish bedding. I maniacly cleaned our house for the home check. I bought organization bins and shoe racks (because they might turn us away if we didn't have shoe racks right?) I baby proofed. I made lists of stuff I needed to get. I signed up for baby coupons etc. etc. This is what I do. I prepare "Stuff" until I nearly go insane.

So when I decided this pregnancy was real (which took a good long while) and that a baby was actually coming I began my nesting process. Unfortunately for Two Fish I waited until I was too pregnant to accomplish many of my plans on my own. His honey do list has been out of control.

• Windows cleaned inside and out (don't worry I hired some kid to do the outside. I didn't scale the roof.)
• Clean out all closets and donate junk.
• I want to finish cleaning out all of our drawers and cabinets but I'm running out of steam.
• Clean and organize basement - oh the horror of this project. When we moved I think 50% of everything we owned went in the basement and it looked like a bomb went off down there. How is that we have gone from a one bedroom studio apartment to this house and the stuff just expands to fill it?
• Clean and organize garage. My brother J helped Two Fish build these big shelves to put our stuff on. Two Fish is out there right now putting things up on the shelves and dejunking. We have an extra garage and I think it should be able to fit a car even if we don't have one to put in it. Garages full of crap are terrifying to me and ours was perilously headed that direction.
• Clean and organize our office. You know that drawer full of junk you have? I had a room. I need the room to actually function as a room. It's pretty close to finished. I can leave the door open without embarassment.
• Make curtains for two rooms.
• Repaint nursery and organize.
• Paint and decorate the kids bathroom
• Paint and decorate the playroom. Organize. Make pillows etc.
• Paint and decorate a new "big girl" room for Red Fish. (Someday it will have furniture.) I did make the curtains. I'll post pictures as soon as it is totally put together. It is very very close.
• Put wainscoting up in Red Fish's new room (my role was supervisory)
• Build window seat in Red Fish's room. (I just made the cushions and pillows.)
• Wash and de-stain baby clothes.
• Wash bottles etc.
• Buy formula
• Spring clean (my Mom helped me clean floorboards, walls, etc. It was awesome.)
• Better organize laundry room.
• Do Christmas/birthday shopping (only made it halfway through my list. I have this need to do all holiday shopping for the most part before the end of October or I miss all the holiday fun stressing over gifts. I'm really afraid I can't shop with two kids. The idea of taking two anywhere sounds terrifying.)
• Buy some cute coming home clothes and picture taking clothes for New Fish.
• Get out all baby paraphernalia and sanitize.
• Research strollers.
• Catch up on graphic design projects. I was doing splendidly and then my projects suddenly doubled in size. It's a problem. I'm working on it.
• Take hypnobabies classes and do daily practice. This has done wonders for my stress level. I highly recommend it. It was great to help Two Fish and I prepare for this pregnancy, birth, and baby. It was a little hard find babysitters 6 weeks in a row but totally worth it.

From reading this you probably think I'm a neat freak. I wish I was a neat freak. I'd probably be happier and heathier. In truth I'm ridiculously messy (not dirty! I like to say that clutter is evidence of a creative mind.) Our house may be in better shape than ever before. Now for a plan to keep it that way...who has the energy for that? Am I more prepared to be a second time Mom? Maybe...is anybody ever totally ready for a life change like that? I'm excited anyway. The nesting has helped. I'm a little calmer.

Busy Day

I'm pretty sure I could sleep 24 hours a day until this baby is born. I had a nap before noon today (and I didn't even get out of bed until 9 am.) Two Fish put Red Fish in bed with me this morning with some Little Einsteins. She was happy to snuggle me until I got up. She rolled over like she was going to give my belly a kiss (she likes to kiss the baby) and to my surprise she blew a big raspberry on me. We both laughed pretty hard and then she chased me around trying to do it again. When Red Fish went down for her nap I fell asleep trying to work on my computer. I can never fall asleep sitting up so that was pretty strange.

Then my Mom came over and worked on the cushions for Red Fish's new room with me for a while. This is turning into a much harder and bigger project than I thought. I was going to learn how to put zippers in them but I've put so much work into them I hate to mess them up. I think my Mom is just going to do that part for me.
Our art supplies arrived today. It took all of five minutes after I opened them for Red Fish to have the art smock on and start trying to drag her little table outside. She knew exactly what to do with them. We started out with the stamps. I let her choose a few colors of stamp pads and then spread out the stamps. I think she was a little overwhelmed by the number of stamps so I think next time I will just get out a few at a time. I didn't have to explain anything to her. She just started stamping away (and poking her fingers into the pads.) They were easy to cleanup and easy to set up. I think we are going to be using these a lot.
Then we cleaned our hands with the hose and Red Fish wanted to play in the water. So we dragged out the pool. She gave the dog a bath while I sat in a lawn chair. (I'm all about the child labor.)
Then Red Fish decided it was time for another art project. I'm totally in love with these sponge painters. They come pre-inked and you just dip them in water. They supposedly work up to 28 times. The color quality is awesome. I'm sure as you use them the quality goes down but they are still really cool. Plus when we were done I just stuck them in a ziplock and there was no cleanup. Horray!

Then it was nap time again.

Today

Today I woke up and my body laughed at me. It laughed at my big plans and my schemes to get everything done. It mocked my long weekend of projects. It swelled up like a balloon and ached all over. I've reached a whole new level of pregnant. The beached whale level.

We're Now Accepting Bets

Place your guess and the winner will get a treat. Click on the pic below to enter your guesses for date, weight, etc.

Full Term

Something I never thought I would say. I feel a huge sense of relief to have made it to this point.

For some reason it's still hard to relate all of this pregnancy stuff to actually going home with a baby. It doesn't quite seem like a baby is really in there no matter how many times a day I can feel/see her elbow sticking out of my belly. Some of the time it just feels like some sort of bizarre science experiment rather than growing a person.

The first time they handed Red Fish to us it was so strange to become a mother right in that moment. From the dull ache of nothing to arms and heart full of sweet little baby who seemed so perfect and so familiar. That moment of "yep you are exactly who we've been waiting for!" I thought somehow this would be different (not better just different) and I'm learning it is pretty much going to be emotionally exactly the same. (I'm just going to be even more tired this time.) The excitement of waiting for the baby to be born, having no idea exactly when they are coming is all the same this time. The nerves and anxieties are focused a little differently but still there. I'm pretty sure that getting that bundle of baby is going to feel the same again and is there really anything better than that? That moment of meeting new life and knowing they are forever tied to your life? Knowing that baby was meant for your family and feeling the beautiful weight of that heavenly gift.

I'm also excited to fall in love with Two Fish all over again. Seeing your husband become a Dad just has a way of doing that to you. Watching Two Fish care for and play with Red Fish has made me love him more than I knew I could. I'm so excited for that to have another beginning.

It's Beginning To Look Like A Baby Lives Here

I've started dragging the baby stuff out of the basement (well rather asked Two Fish to do it.) Unpacking the baby clothes was not nearly as much fun as I thought it would be. There were a lot of cute little things to get out but they all seemed to have a big yellow stain down the front of them that I swear wasn't there when I put them away. I remember all the bibs having milk stains but not the clothes. Luckily when I washed the clothes again most of the stain came out. I guess I had idealized what hand me downs would be like. Thank goodness for my stain stick.

The swing, bouncy seat, bathtub, cradle, etc. is already taking over the house. Our home is starting to look like a baby lives here again. It's crazy how much stuff one little person can have. I know I just did this baby thing pretty recently but it's going to be strange to have a little tiny baby again. A wonderful kind of strange. It goes by so fast and then before you know you have a crazy, sweet little girl racing around the house causing havoc. You blink and you miss it.

It's going to be so fun to see what kind of personality this next little one comes with. I'm so curious to know if she will be anything like Red Fish or completely different. It should be an adventure either way!

Brace For Impact

This graphic pretty much illustrates the emotions I'm feeling right now- excitment, terror, joy, humility that I"m going to be a Mom again, bursting with the need to accomplish things and prepare, overwhelmed by the lack of time and energy, annoyance that my AC is broken, nausea, and the feeling that my organs are being elbowed. Did you see all of that? =-)

The Truth About Belly Buttons

They are gross. They have always always grossed me out. Now that I'm getting really pregnant all kinds of freaky things are happening to mine and I do not appreciate it. I could post a picture but I will spare you. I'm pretty sure I am permanently traumatized. Okay so I might not be traumatized once it goes back to normal (assuming it can ever resume a normal shape) but I shall remain disturbed.

Little Tip

Do not get flesh colored belly bands on your maternity pants. When your belly gets bigger the pants get lower and people think you are being obscene when they get a flash of the belly band. I've offended several people I'm quite sure.

Under Construction

Cari- I've been using your quiliting tutorial for my second sewing project!

Well the nesting has officially reached epic proportions. We are under major construction. I'm really going to try and get a bunch of it done before New Fish arrives on the scene. I've taken on a major sewing project that I'm actually really enjoying. I'm made more curtains, and I'm making a quilted cushion for Red Fish's newly built window seat. (I always wanted a window seat when I was little.) It's been a crazy week. I'm feeling pretty uncomfortable at this point and I'm soooooo over the nausea and puking. I'm really looking forward to that going away. 9 months of flu-like symptoms is enough to drive a person insane.

On the upside I'm actually really looking forward to the birth. I've put a lot of time and thought into preparing and I'm getting really excited. There is really nothing more amazing than having a child join your family. It's crazy to think there is going to be a tiny baby around here again. That part sure doesn't last very long. Red Fish is only 20 months and she is such a little girl already. I'm really trying to soak up this shrinking amount of time when it is just the two of us all day. Tonight she was having kind of a rough night so the two of us just lay on her big stuffed dog and snuggled for half and hour while she patted my face. I love the little moments like that. Red has gotten so independent lately and she is always so full of personality. It makes me excited to see what New Fish is going to be like. I wonder if she will be like Red Fish or completely different from her sister. I'm looking forward to them just being sisters! I always wanted a sister when I was little (although I'm pretty fond of my brothers.)

It will be kind of nice to feel a little more confident as a mom this time around. Last time I was terrified I wouldn't know how to take care of Red Fish or that I wouldn't feed her right or be able to comfort her. I know every child is different but hopefully I won't leap out of bed every time New Fish sighs. The idea of ever leaving the house with two babies sounds a little terrifying. One toddler who throws some pretty impressive tantrums is terrifying enough at times. My greatest fear right now is that I won't recognize the labor when it happens. That might sound silly but I'm afraid I won't know when it's really time to go to the hospital. Keep your fingers crossed that everything goes as smoothly as possible.

31 weeks

3rd Trimester

We're getting closer!

A Belly Shot By Popular Request- 26 weeks

The baby is the length of an english hothouse cucumber (about 14 inches) and hopefully weighs close to 1 and 2/3 pounds. Last week she was the size of a rutabega (I get an email comparing her to produce every week.) The network of nerves in her ears is better developed and more sensitive than before. She may now be able to hear both my voice and Two Fish's as we chat with each other. New Fish is inhaling and exhaling small amounts of amniotic fluid.

Feeling Human Again

Well my Mom spent part of the day on Tuesday with Red Fish while I went to the doctor and then my mother in law came all day yesterday. I pretty much stayed in bed all day and did absolutely nothing. I woke up feeling like a person today. Yay!

Speed Bump

We took our tour of labor and delivery at the hospital this weekend...at two in the morning. We didn't even know where it was, we had to look it up on the internet. (the labor and delivery wing- not the hospital.) Just when I start to get more comfortable and less stressed about being pregnant we have a scare. Everything is fine now but I was pretty freaked out. A few hours of monitoring and an ultrasound and we went home. I'm just glad we have family nearby willing to come take Red Fish in the middle of the night. I'm glad I have a husband who stays really calm and I'm grateful that I'm still doing well with my pregnancy and nothing big was wrong. Now I have to work at getting my "bubble of peace" back because I'm afraid I might have shattered my old one.